Bonding Moment

One of the few things that makes me move on with ease...

The Strawberry on top

While I was asking approval for my winter designs from my boss, he told me these exact words, “Ha, this is the ice cream already, but I needed the strawberry on top.” From there, I knew what he was really asking from me. So I came back with my revised designs saying to myself that I’ve added the strawberry on top already. And it was finally approved.

I rarely see an ice cream that has strawberry on top. Most often, I see cherries. Red cherries. All my life I’ve been idealistic, positive with whatever happens and comes my way. But this is one of those phases I find it dragging. And melancholic.

I always say my world is an oyster. My life is your favorite ice cream flavor. And just like any other ice cream, I needed to put the most important part of the ice cream. The strawberry on top. Or maybe cherries. Whichever comes first. And tastes better.

Black Eye and everything that goes with it

Two days ago, I got a black eye. No, I did not put up a fight just like other people say when they have a black eye. I just hit myself with something. Surprisingly, it hit my left eye. So until now, I still have to cover it up with concealer and wear my eyeglasses. In a way, people won't recognize I have a swollen black eye. Last Saturday, Janice (my colleague-friend) cried just before we went off for work. She was shouted at by our boss. Knowing Janice, born under the zodiac sign of virgo, is just like me, wasn't able to contain the feeling and eventually poured it out. I cannot blame her for crying, especially when you know that you shouldn't have shouted at because it was not your fault at all. I did not take sides. Even when other colleagues tell that we should not show those kinds of feelings especially with work, I could not blame Janice for letting them see how she really feels. Both have a point. Actually we all do. And we have a right for our own opinions, which is actually based on the life that has been and being laid down to us.

I admit. I cry for many reasons. Sometimes, I cry for very lame reasons. Friends often find me weird for crying because of rainbows, or because of sunsets, or because of the rain. Maybe I then realized, I cry because I am awed, and wondered by the sight and magic I see in God's beautiful creation. I find magic in them. And I cry.

I cry on situations when I need to let go, may it be anyone or anything. I find it hard to let go of the things that's been so important to me, played a role into my own becoming. I kept letters since my grade school years, wilted flowers that were presents from people close to my heart, chocolate and candy wrappers, tissues from restos and bars, receipts, etc. etc. Yes, I am basurera. And I don't want to let go of them, just yet. I might cry.

I haven't mastered letting go of people too. I remembered my first ever major letting go experience. It happened when I was at a very young age of twelve. When I was in grade six, she was my favorite teacher, which eventually became a godmother on my confirmation, but wasn't able to attend because she left for New Zealand before my confirmation. I clearly remember how hard I cried during that time. I felt I will never see her again. And it was followed by more letting go experiences. During that year, I had three, close friends leaving for Canada and other parts of the world, one after the other. It has been hard for me to cope up, and continue with life. I thought then, that all these people close to me would eventually go and leave, and find a life that's far different from mine. And yes, I cry.

I cry for personal problems. I cry for family problems. I cry for my country. I cry for the people that are victims of tragedies, calamites, and war. I cry for people close to me that's hurting, that's in pain. I cry too, for love--that I can love... that I have loved... that I’m in love... that I am loved... that I am unloved... that I am loveless.. that I may be loved...

I'm almost five months here in China, trying out to what I hoped to be a greener pasture. The future is vague from where I stand now, but I am excited and more hopeful to what and where God wanted me to be. And until now, I cry, for more reasons than when I left the Philippines.

I cry because I realized it's very hard to wash my own clothes, and I wonder how hardworking my mom is for washing all our clothes for more than twenty years.

I cry because I cannot eat now the food that my mom prepares that I have often taken for granted way back home.

I cry because I cook my own food now, whether it tastes good or not, I just have to eat to survive.

I cry because I am missing a good sleep. I miss my bed and my dream catcher.

I cry because I miss my family. I miss Hannah too. I miss the things I used to do, having coffee on mornings with my mom at the garage, putting up Hannah's swing and just take photos while she perfects riding and making her swing move.

I miss our Sunday barbeque party. My aunts and cousins would come over to our place and we would have inihaw na liempo, grilled fish, and talong for lunch.

I cry because I miss my friends. I miss Friday night outs at Café Agogo, or Xaymaca, or Nine Ball, or Starbucks with friends at work or with college friends.

I cry because I miss the places I used to hang out to. Coffee Indulgence, I soo miss you.

I cry because I am seldom hugged now than before. Ratio then for my hugs is averagely 10 hugs: 1 day, while now, its 1 hug: 3 months. I really needed more hugs when I get back home just to make up for the hugs I missed while I was here.

I cry for an uncertain future.

I cry because I am missing a life of dilly dallying I left in the Philippines.

I cry because I was exposed early into the real cruel world. I cry because I know, life moves so fast. I could not make it stop. Or even just make it slow. People I left in the Philippines are moving in different directions as much as I do. And I know, and I am preparing, that one day, we will never be close as much as we were before, just when I left the Philippines.

I cry more often now, whether with audience or without. But the difference in crying now is that I am also the one who comforts and gives courage to my own weeping self.

It's funny how painful it was to be hit by something in the eye and get a black eye. But it's funnier to know that I did not shed even a single tear because of this.

But still, I cry for infinite reasons. And I never get tired of comforting myself after.

A whole week without sleep. Sigh.

Finally, the Hong Kong toy show is about to unfold—meaning, sleepless nights will have a ceasefire for the meantime. Yes!

I’ve been daring to write since before my birthday. But have got no time. At all. I thought then that instead of sitting in front of the computer, chat with friends, and write an entry, I should just do my laundry and clean our room. (I realized that every person’s needs has its own hierarchy too. And chatting and writing just comes second on my list now.)

Guess what readers, I’ve got a long birthday celebration I’m sure you’d be jealous of! I’ve never had a birthday celebration as special as this before.

I can still vividly remember last year, just about a few days before my birthday. I wrote an entry about hibernation. I always feel that way every year. I fear of birthdays. Of growing and getting old. And even if I said I’ve learned what it is to grow old, I still couldn’t swallow how bitter (or sweet) it is to add years to life. My friend always comforts me, always telling me, that maybe, I am like this because I have never been used to be treated special. Ever since, I’ve always wanted to treat people I love special, and not the other way around. Maybe it’s true that I feel awkward. I feel odd.

I finally realized how smart God is. Pinaghibernate niya nga ako. J This is my first birthday ever without my family, my relatives, and my closest friends. All I have is a family that I’ve known just for almost four months ago. And still, I wanted to hibernate. I’ve got no plans at all but days have been dragging fast I could not pull it back. So I had to accept, that yes, my birthday is coming.

Pre-birthday Celebration

Every 15^th, the birthday celebrants of the month will blow their very own 3-layered birthday cake. Comes with it is an ampao with money inside, of course. I thought then, that it was the first time I will be having a 3-layered cake, much more to blow candles on it. I barely can remember the last time I blew candles on my birthday cake. It was amazing. This kind of pre-birthday celebration was new to me. So I had a little excitement on my coming birthday, but still, the thought of hibernating is still in consideration.

September 21

I had a countdown on my birthday. I did it alone in the room, which I used to do every year. On the eve of my birthday, I sang a birthday song to myself, and cried. I am happy that I will be celebrating my birthday in a foreign land. But sad, I am far from loved ones. I’ve learned now how to silently cry, without an audience, without someone patting my back, without someone hugging me. I cry and at the same time, I comfort myself after. I was able to look forward to a new experience of celebrating a birthday, far from what I used to have for 22 years.

I celebrated at Bao Li Hotel. We had dim sum and dumplings. I had an orange cake and orange custard cakes. I’ve got birthday presents too! I’ve got an orange bouquet of roses from my friends and got a long stem rose with chocolates from Zhang Hui (our Chinese guy friend). They sang 3 Happy birthday songs in 3 different languages. Would there be anyone luckier than me? From happy birthday to you, to Sheng ri kuai Le, to Maligayang Bati. Looking at my lighted cake, I wished. And I blew my candles on my orange cake. I slept with a thought that it’s not really bad not to hibernate on birthdays. It’s not bad to feel I am special from time to time. I slept with a beaming heart.

Post-birthday Celebration

Last September 30, Chris, Gigi, and MJ went to Hong Kong to see me, and have a post birthday celebration. The Hong Kong trip was my birthday gift to my sister too (Her birthday is on Sept.18). A lot of things have happened during the Hong Kong trip. But looking back, it really was an experience to reminisce, over and over again. I am happy that I was able to spend three days with few of the special people in my life.

We went to a lot of places. I was able to let them see the beauty in Hong Kong. Our first night was spent for a late night dinner around tsim sha tsui in one of the Chinese restaurants that’s still open at past 12 midnight. We should have spent dinner at Avenue of the Stars. But because, it is already late, we opt to change plans.

The following day is Disneyland Day! Everything I thought that would only be dream is not a dream anymore. All of this happened when I’m all awake. Who would have thought na ang batang “Star City” ay nakarating na sa Hong Kong Disneyland? So ano ngayon kung hindi pa ako nakakapunta sa Enchanted Kingdom?

Moments of tears were countless. Just before the entrance I started crying already. And from time to time, there trickled down the salty waters of mixed emotions.

I cried—mainly for two reasons. One, Disneyland for me is every child’s dream. Since the day I probably can remember things, I dreamed of going to Disneyland, and have a picture with Mickey and Minnie mouse. I remember the first cartoon character that I’ve perfected drawing. It was Mickey Mouse that I’ve copied from a plastic coin bank that me and my sister used to fill with “mamera.” So just before the entrance of the Hong Kong Disneyland, I already burst into tears. I have never realized that a dream way back in childhood years would finally come into reality.

Second, I came to Disneyland with a few of the most important people in my life. Taking them to Hong Kong brings a fulfillment and a sense of happiness to me that no one can ever replace. I remember my conversation with my sister when we were still kids. We used to take a look at photographs in the magazines that are shot in Disneyland all over the world. We used to look at friends’ pictures from Disneyland. We both dreamed of this. And I’m happy, I made it happen.

Everything was like a dream to me. A waking dream. A dream that I only want to last. But some (or most) of the good things never really last. I just hold on to one truth—at least, I have memories to reminisce and cherish. And a hope that one day, it will happen again. And that’s what’s important.

Catching Up

I haven’t fed my blog for ages. And to my readers, I so apologize. I’ve got a handful of reasons why I wasn’t able to blog for the past few days.

1. The computer in the common room got a virus. By the time I finally finish what I am about to write, it automatically shuts off. So I’ve become impatient.

2. I’ve got no time. I know it’s so lame, but really, yeah, I’ve got no time. It even surprises me the thought that it was just Monday, and by the time I get to my senses, it’s already end of the week! Sometimes I wonder, do the people I left in the Philippines feel the same way I do?

3. I always go home late from work. I’ve got so many things to do. I’ve got so many projects that will come out on October in Hong Kong toy show. I needed to work twice as fast.

Ugh. That’s why. Please pardon me for that.

The last few days of August were the busy and memorable ones. Well, to catch up, I’ll give you glimpses of what’s been happening to me on my journey here in the land of Shen Zhen.

August 20

Hannah celebrated her third birthday party at Jollibee. Most of our closest relatives and friends were there. How I wish I was there so that I could personally see the beaming face of our little princess. I hope I made her happy and she will not be bothered by my absence as it was swaddled with big and colorful balloons, party poopers, and a lot of kids.

Lunch in Hong Kong

How do you like having just lunch in Hong Kong and having no schedule whatsoever at all? In spite of my busy career schedule, that one Sunday was truly memorable. I don’t have to take a look at the time. For that day, I can go wherever I want, I can do whatever I want to do…I can be as free as a bird. Hong Kong is an interesting place to go to. Of course a day wouldn’t be enough to do all the things I want to do. From Shen Zhen, we rented a car up to LoWu station. and from there, we took the train to Hongkong. I actually don't haveplans of buying anything or going to places whatsoever. I've got money in my pocket. bahala na kahit saan dalhin. papaagos ako. haha!

i got a new fone! finally! yess! i got a sony ericsson z550i. i'm not the techie type of person, but most of the people i know told me it's a good buy! :) in my entire life, this is the first time i got a fone for myself from my own pocket. from my own perspiration. from my own effort. that's why, i'm happy twice as much. hay. ganito pala ang feeling. i'm soo proud of myself... <earla baby smiles and taps her shoulders>

On loving and being loved

We just finished watching Lovers in Paris last Sunday. It was quite a good cry from time to time, from beginning till the end. Maybe, that’s what really love is. Since last weekend, I’ve composed a lot of questions about love. Too many things to ask. Too many people to ask opinions about love. All’s different. Seeing love in one’s own diverse perspective.

Does love really makes the world go round?

Or does it make your whole world stop?

Last Saturday, I thought of texting a friend. Sending messages anyway from my China sim is a lot cheaper than using my Globe roaming sim. I’m happy to be connected to the world again. We’ve had an exchange of how-are-you’s and i-miss-you’s. And I reminded her of her promise of coming to Hong Kong with her partner on November so that I would be able to see them once again, but, in a foreign land. I was so sorry to hear that they’re not together anymore. I still remember her partner before she opted to work in Dubai. Tears were endless before she left. I even told her partner, young as she was, to reach her dreams. Just like me. But like anyone in this world wishes, I am hoping that if one day, her partner comes back from a two-year contract, they’ll still be together and still be so much in love with each other. Well, I guess, some of the good things never really last. Her partner left her leaving “falling-out-of-love” as an excuse. Was it really falling out of love? I am still figuring out. Do long distance relationships don’t really work? Is constant communication still not enough for you to keep the relationship? I wondered.

I missed my friend more. I know she’s grudging. I know what she’s feeling. I am helpless because I could not even hug her and pat her back, and tell her that “it’s going to be okay, in God’s own sweet time. You’ll see.”

I miss Clem. I miss fetching her in her pad before we go to office. I miss bringing her our favorite barbeque and together we grill them, without even caring what her neighbors will tell the next day to their landlady. I miss our chuva talks. I miss our serious talks. I miss our mushy talks over bottles of San Mig Light, whether in her pad, or in Café Agogo. I miss her sweet way of saying “tangaaaaaa” whenever I make mistakes in life, which, I always do. I miss her oh-so-good tacos. I miss her spaghetti. I miss eating popcorn with her. I miss the way she says good things about me in front of her friends. I miss Clem. I miss my friend.

I am constantly praying that one day, she’ll finally find a love that’s really for her. She’s been kind to everyone. And maybe, she deserves a little more worth (and more love) than she’s getting now. I am so sorry for not being with her, especially now that she’s in her trying times. But I have faith, she can make it. I will always be here for you, chuva. Promise.

You’ll probably be Vivian (Tae-Young). Your future will just about to unfold. So I’ll probably one of those who’ll witness. And be excited.

It.Sucks. (written on tuesday, 09.05.06)
Yesterday was Monday. A beginning of a new week. Was so excited to come to work to finish pending projects that will be due really soon. Polly (our translator), came to me and was asking for my signature. It says on the paper that I was fined 20RMB for not turning off the aircon in the office last Saturday. Okay, I admit, due to excitement and hunger during that time, I ran as fast as I could out of the office, not thinking I was the only one left, and that means, a big responsibility of turning off the lights, fans, and damn! Airconditioner. So I paid yesterday. But since I hate the administration, especially, the head, I thought of giving the 20RMB in coins. As in in yi jiao (10 cents) and wu jiao (50 cents). Anyway, that’s still Chinese currency. Not fake money. They didn’t accept the payment. In fact, the administration head even threatened me that they will be giving me yi jiao’s and wu jiao’s on my salary. I said why not? Only if they can find exactly 80million yi jiao’s. hah!

(fyi: the accounting department here in Shen Zhen does not know the foreigners’ salary. My salary. Even a single employee does not know even a hint on how high my salary is, compared from theirs. That’s why the Hong Kong office is the one preparing our pay slips.) I apologize now to my Chinese friends, but I am really mad why are you not accepting your own currency? Why not tell your government to just make money that you prefer to use and accept. Don’t you think it’s a waste of time and energy making all these coins, and not being accepted? I hate this company. So I’m beginning hate your country too. I even hate your people. A**holes.

And now, Tuesday, I received a memo through our email, from the Administration Department, where every employee can see also. Do they really have to do that? Be proud and tell everyone I DID NOT TURN OFF THE AIRCON LAST SATURDAY??? Now tell me. Is that proper? I actually don’t know what to react. Should I be supposed to laugh at them and say, “Don’t you guys have more important things to do rather than write a memo-- er, trash such as this??

Read on, and tell me what you think. Laugh with me. And hate them with me.
______________________________________________
On Sep. 2nd evening, the air-conditioner behind Design Dept. was not turned off after leaving. Since the air-conditioner is a high-power electric machine and wasted a lots of electricity, Our company decided to punish the functionary person Earla by 20 RMB.

______________________________________________

Wow! What a grammar. I’m sorry if I wasted A LOTS of electricity ha? I’m sorry too if I am a FUNCTIONARY PERSON ok? (laughed hard till stomach ached.)

But after that, natawa na lang ako. at naging bida pa ako! ha! kilala na ko sa buong office, even sa factory! bida!

***

To sum it all up. okay naman ako. still getting by. and still surviving. just as you do, my dear reader, one awful day at a time... and always prepare for another awful day that will welcome you tomorrow... and be optimistic. that's what's more important.

Of eating chocnut and tinapa

If there would be anything more to call heaven more than heaven itself (as in "heavenest"?) then, maybe this is it.

Mama Gwen just came back last night from a two-week vacation in Manila.  Who would actually believe that she has now renewed a contract in our company after two long years?  She must've chosen to finish her contract, but instead of leaving us, she came back to china and renewed her contract--for love's and selflessness' sake.

I fondly call her "Mama Gwen" because since the first day i've been here, she's been a mother to me. well, almost. not anly to me, but being one of the eldest here, she's been a mother to everyone as well.  We welcomed her with open arms. We locked ourselves inside the common room so by then she goes inside, we'd all welcome her with loud shouts and hands clapping and hugs... and teary eyes as well.  she brought a lot of stuffs that came way back home from our families.  Karla got her tinapa, and tuyo, and pusit. all soo yummy and very filipino.  I got my cheese spreads, margarine and all those stuffs. plus i got all kinds of chocolates--macadamia, almonds, dark chocolates, white chocolates. but i didnt bother to give them too much attention because, what the heck, they have it here too. i jumped with awe when i saw chocnuts. very filipino. oohhh i terribly miss them. good thing, they sent a lot of it. i hope it wouldnt ran out. sigh.

So we were looking forward to eating all of it. :) yum. we finally decided to eat tinapa during lunchtime. we also cooked luncheon meat.  I ate a lot I admit. the tinapa ran out fast! i even used my bare hands to eat! after lunch, we just put the luncheon meat inside the fridge. hah! hindi mabenta!

And then I thought, if there would be more heaven than the one I experienced the last time, this is the "heavenest!"  Sometimes, the things we take for granted are the things we miss so bad when we finally realize we dont already have them in our grasp.

I love being filipino.

ang mga chinese ba may ganito?

ganito ba kasarap mabuhay sa china?

this is HEAVENEST.

Goodnight world. Till our next meeting in heaven. :)

ohh, before i sleep, i'd eat more of my chocnuts. yum! gusto mo?

A Taste of Heaven

Yes. I tasted heaven. at last.

Finally, after ending the whole week without dinner dates, which we pinays usually do, we've finally decided to eat dinner and spend some time in MYX-C, shenzhen city. while we're heading to the place (thank god, we rented a van and not decided to ride a bus, i might puke, i swear!), i began to hallucinate. -- i thought of the things i usually do every saturday night. my friends would usually fetch me at home and head off to timog or tomas morato just for a few sets of billiards with ice cold san mig light until we doze off. then after having the feeling of "drunkeness," our feet would automatically bring us to starbucks. then have more of my most loved hobby, conversations, which, most of the times i call, "sharing of thoughts." and thus am fullfilled with my day. just regretting the hangover i got the next day. but still, doing the routine again would maybe, in a way, lessen the hangover. --then a friend shook me, told me to have enough of those hallucinations. because wtf, am already here in china. i have to keep it in mind. and just maybe i'll be doing the same routine again after 2 loong years! so there, enough.

Finally, after an hour or so, finally, we reached our destination. Maybe my hallucinations were just the effect of my grumbling stomach. gosh, i am soo hungry then, i could eat a horse. then finally, we saw "the spaghetti house," the place we're dying to eat. (fyi: it's very hard to find any kind of pasta in an ordinary restaurant here in china. especially here in shenzhen. they only have pancit. that's why we grabbed the opportunity.) but then again, a lot of people were eating, so we had to wait for 30mins more or so. but that didn't make me feel mad, though i am having a headache already (cause:grumbling stomach again), because looking back i saw something familiar.someting i know close to me.close to my heart. was i dreaming? is it really the flag of the philippines?

pilipinas kong mahal
and yes. i was able to make sure of it. it IS the flag of my oh-so-beloved country. i've realized that they are holding an ice skating competition where the philippines is a delegate. not only that, i've learned they are the defending champion. gosh i was so proud! then i've seen a lot of filipinos.parents and delegates. then seeing teenage ice skaters, i started to think about my sister's classmate and friend. oh my god, katherine has to be there. then, eavesdropper as i am, i asked filipinos if they know an ice skater by the name of katherine mae anonuevo.then they told me that she's still inside the rink. it made a beam on my face. i swear. a person who is always invited during my sister's party (that i don't usually hang around) is here in a foreign land where i also am! i left a note to one of her colleagues, hoping we could meet up before she goes home to the philippines. sigh. i didnt bother to wait for her because i still need to attend to my aching stomach plus head. so we returned to the resto.

eating time
we ordered for 2 baskets of chiken and chips, a fusilli with mushroom,bacon and white sauce, and a large whole hawaiian pizza. plus a pitcher of lemon iced tea. five of us shared in the meal. so that makes 54RMB/each for a sumptuous dinner i barely experience lately. what can i say? but it was ohh-soo-good... :)

was i dreaming?
they told me they have starbucks here. and ahh, i remember. one of my hallucinations a while ago. and there, almost with bended knees, i begged to have an experience again of how it's like, chatting and drinking your favorite frappuccino sitting outside with their umbrella covered tables. the place and environment was just like greenbelt. or was i hallucinating again? this time effect of being so full. upon ordering, i am telling myself that even a tear should not fall. but i really felt teary eyed. i felt that i was like dreaming. as in. this is china. who would have thought there will be starbucks here. gosh. and so i ordered myself a tall mocha frappuccino. i sat down with friends smiling because of a lot of reasons. 1. i missed starbucks 2. i missed mocha frappuccino and caramel coffee jelly (but the latter, they dont have it here) 3. i missed the things i used to do ( especially spending a lazy day at starbucks) 4. i am missing my friends that i used to hang out with 5.just because purely i miss everything i used to do.i know starbucks will never be the same with a constant customer like me.

epilogue
i headed home happy. not completely happy, but at least happy. i thank god that every now and then, he gives me a taste of heaven in a place i thought i'd never imagine would have. i am missing my friends i left back home. but i am happy that i get to eat at a spaghetti house, sit and have coffee at starbucks with my new found friends, and i recognize too, as of the moment, as my family.

at muli ko na namang tinanggap ang pagdungaw sa bukang liwayway ng tunay na mundo...

sa susunod na pagtakas muli sa tunay na mundo... at matitikman kong muli ang langit. haaay. :)

THANK YOU FOR LOVE by dimsum

My life was a constant uphill climb

Never got it right

Each one I love

Went through a change of heart

You came and my world turned upside down

You sung a different tune

Can't let go

It keeps playing on my mind

Now there's a reason to wake up each day

A reason to shake my blues away

Now I am whole, a lucky soul

Wanna thank you for your love

Thank you. Thank you for your love

Confused , my heart was in a daze

Learned to live with pain

I loved in haste

Then watched it go to waste

You came and brought music to my soul

Inspired me to the very core

You touched me where

No one has been before

Now there's a reason to wake up each day

I thank the Lord for sending you my way

Now I am whole, A lucky soul

Wanna thank you for your love

Thank you, thank you for your love

I saw the world in shades of black and gray…hey

Turning blue with every passing day

Just when I thought that maybe all was lost

My life took on a new turn

And it's all because, it's because

No looking back, no more pain

No more dark clouds, no more rain

Thank you. Thank you for your love.

* cheers to a month older of sharing a lifetime with you...
and i end my day with an intensely beaming heart.

goodnight world. embrace me again with your love tomorrow. :)

Alone but not Lonely

puff.

as the smoke drowns itself into the air.

and there i start to be alone with myself. started to think about the things i've done, the things i need to do, and the things that are yet to be done. i am starting to make my time wothwhile.

and there i thought...

i knew god prepared everything for this. not just me. but my environment as well. because i finally realized, that if ever i brought the old oh-soo-mushy earla baby here, she could not survive. that, i am very sure of. that's why, i just brought the steady-lang-easy-go-lucky earla baby here. and until now, i cannot assure that she's surviving, but at least, getting by.

i loved being with people. i loved sharing thoughts with people over a cup of coffee and a few fags. conversations and studying people's personalities are my top hobbies.

but then again, i realized, sometimes it's better to enjoy my hot coffee and a few fags, and just listen carefully to the innermost feelings of the heart.

and with that, i am content. just by being alone with myself.

alone but not lonely.

Workaholic

I never thought i'd ever be this workaholic in my entire life. not just workaholic because i am obliged to. workaholic in the sense that, i am soo into my work. i just recently realized that working for me now is not just earning for a living, but working for me now, is learning more, and re-learning and entirely putting passion in my craft.

During my stay here, I may say that i've had a lot of no's from the layouts i made. but hearing a single yes out of those no's, made me feel satisfied, especially in a world of really tough competition. maybe in the following days, i may probably get more yes answers than no. :) and i am very much optimistic. i just needed more slap in the butt...

top 3's

1. my fingers hurt again. not because i did laundry (which is the reason most of the time), but because karla and i cleaned our room. i didnt realize that i put a lot of effort on scrubbing the floor, my fingers ache already.

2. at last, my 4 bag collections of garfield are finally approved by PAWS!! am just soo happy. i just need the production for samples. :)

3. finally i saw the pictures of flowers that i sent mom for her birthday. :) they're so lovely. really, it's prettier than the ones dad gave :P

Overjoyed

Yesterday was a very busy day for me. Also, one of those days I am thinking of going back home. It's mom's birthday yesterday. I sent her beautiful flowers which i hope brought tears into her eyes. But investing on even a huge bouquet of flowers would not even replace the joy of my mom when I am with her. :( Hearing their voices on the telly added more tears into my eyes. Lola even told me what she had prepared for mom. kare kare. barbeque. pancit. lumpiang shanghai. grilled eggplant. all of which are my top favorites. I even heard loud voices of my cousins and godchildren playing around. made me think they're once again happy to see each other in our mini reunion which happens every weekend. fight na! i even heard my uncles and other tong its playmates. i know that in anytime, someone would shout and say he wins, and gets all the pot.

i cried. i cried hard. i miss a lot of things just because i wanted a beautiful career. i terribly miss the food. even if i roam around the big country of china, i wont be able to taste the best dishes that lola always prepare especially on occasions like this. Not only food do i terribly miss. I miss most my family, my loved ones, even the things that we used to do. i know they have an empty chair on our tong its table reserved for me. I know also that the other microphone is also reserved once i get back home. they told me videoke will never be the same without me. i pray that days would drag much faster. and i'd be in the loving arms of my family and loved ones again...

TOP 3's:

1. Though i was a lil bit down due to my absense on mom's bday, i treated myself to kung fu. was really good food. never thought i'd be loving soymilk in my entire life.

2. When we pass by Mcdonald's, i saw their happy meal! and it's the most lovable and the i-wanna-die-for-it THE DOG! so i got myself 2 happy meals which i am eating for breakfast now. :)

3. We watched the sassy girl on DVD. I cried so hard. "it's building the bridge of chance for your love..."

"of all the moms in the world, i'd still definitely choose you!
Sheng ri kuai le, mommy!
from your daughter across the miles... i love you so much!"

Bitter-SWEET

gusto ko pa din isiping ako si earla_baby... at mananatili akong si earla_baby hanggang sa pag uwi ko. naalarma akong bigla. nakausap ko yung isa sa mga kakaunti kong kalapit na kaibigan kagabi. "nagmamature" na daw ako. sabi pa ng iba kong kasamahan dito, baka daw mawala na ang mga ngiti ko (na walang patumangging palaging nasa mukha ko araw araw..) paglipas ng panahon na pamamalagi ko dito sa lupaing ito. wag naman sana.

sa dami ng problema ng mundo at sa dami ng mga taong nakabusangot ng dahil sa di mapasan na mga problema, naisip kong bigla, dadagdag pa ba ko?

nahaharap na naman ako sa isa sa mga takot ko. kaya ayaw kong tumanda. ayaw magmature. lahat kasi ng matatanda, nakabusangot na. gusto ko, kahit matanda na ko, at wala ng mga ngipin, maaaliw pa din ang mga apo ko sa pagsilay nila ng matatamis kong mga ngiti. kewl.

gusto kong ngumiti. gusto kong tumawa. kahit madalas, umiiyak ako ng hindi nila alam. ang hirap tanggapin, na oo, tumatanda na nga ako.

at ito na ang mundo sa harap ko.

at ako na mismo ang nagpapagalaw sa sarili kong mundo.

at sa ganito ko inihahalintulad ang buhay ko. sa salitang "bitter-sweet." sa mga panahong di mabilang bilang ang mapapait na karanasan. pero panu mo nga naman malalasahan ang matamis kung hindi mo maikukumpara sa mapait?

hay buhay.

Minsan Bitter.

Minsan Sweet.

Bittersweet.

One Month. And a lot more to miss.

Two days from now and i am exactly one month surviving in a foreign land, not even once in my life i thought i'd go to. Because with the enthusiasm of embracing other different err, unique cultures, i was able to get by. but it wasn't easy as that. leaving home was such an enormous choice to make. since day one i was born, i was exposed to a land i never seem to appreciate. philippines for me then was just a, say, "a so-so country" and a "so-so society." but day one i landed in this foreign land, i started to whisper that "hey, the philippines is "an A-okay country and society!" I was able to love my country more than ever before. and miss it more and more each day... sigh.

Can anybody send me, sinigang na baboy, kare-kare, tuyo, green mangoes with bagoong, my loved ones, my bingo and my casino, my starbucks, and my most loved telenovela "sa piling mo" here in china? by then i can probably say i can be okay here. :(

Plagiarism

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

plagiarism

1 : an act or instance of plagiarizing
2 : something plagiarized

plagiarize
Function: verb
transitive senses : to steal and pass off (the ideas or words of another) as one's own : use (another's production) without crediting the source
intransitive senses : to commit literary theft : present as new and original an idea or product derived from an existing source

Copying or adopting the literary, musical, or artistic composition or work of another and publishing or producing it as one's own original composition or work.

The dictionary defines plagiarism as the act of "...stealing and using the ideas, writings, or inventions of another as one's own" or ".... taking passages, plots, or ideas from another and using them as one's own".

Ang plagiarism sa makatuwid ay isang uri ng pagnanakaw. At sana alam mo, mahal kong tagabasa, na ang blog kong ito ay naisulat ng dahil sa aking sariling damdamin at nadarama. hindi mo ito maaaring kuhain at ang angkinin na para bang sa iyo. masarap basahin. alam ko. pero sana, nababatid mo kung hanggang saan lang ang hangganan mo. at ito ay hanggang sa pagbabasa at pagbibigay ng opinyon, sang ayon ka man o hindi. at sana igalang mo ang karapatan ko sa bagay na ito. maraming salamat.

Sabi ni God

Sabi ni God... wala daw nakukuha sa mga madaliang paraan.. lahat kailangan paghirapan at ikompromiso. ewan ko ba bakit ako andito ngayon. at bakit sa isang iglap na lang, nagbago ang buhay ko. minamadali ata ng Diyos eh. marami syang planong pilit ipinagsisiksikan sa maikli kong buhay.

Antagal ko ng nananalangin. pero sa panahong ito, ito na yata ang pinakamalaking kasagutan sa lahat ng kahilingan ko.... at ang sabi ni God, "Anak eto, magtiis ka muna..." Hindi niya inabot agad ang hinihiling ko, bagkus binigyan niya ako ng mabilis ngunit mahirap na paraan sa pagtamo ng mga kahilingan ko.

Marahil salamat lang ang tanging mabibigkas ko. Pero kalakip ng salamat ang malaking bakit... "Kaya ko na ba God?" Siguro. kahit ako, hindi makakasagot sa ngayon. patuloy akong nagpapaagos sa direksyong ang Diyos lang ang may alam. Malakas pa din ang paniniwala ko. At patuloy akong magtitiwala hanggang sa makamit ko ang kahilingang malugod na ipapaubaya sa akin...

Kasi sabi ni God, "Kaya mo yan, anak..."

One Purpose. One Direction.

Nais kong i-share ang isa sa mga dahilan ng pag-alis ko. Magpapakamatay talaga ako makuha lang ito. agad agad. nice noh? sarap mag-early retirement. :)

The secret of moving on...

Dear my ever-so-constant reader,

It has been a loong while since I last updated my blog. A lot of things has happened--good and bad--all bundled up, comin' one after the other for quite a while. I was able to withstand the storm. And here I am, seeing the way out of the dark tunnel, I still have my god with me.

I've been very patient with everything--with time and circumstances, I must say. I learned to be strong and still run so fast even if I am all wounded.

God is so good. I always tell him, "kaw talaga, lagi ka na lang nananadya.." Everything happens for a purpose. Amazing. Especially how he turns out a bad weather into a very nice day, may rainbow pa. naks.

I never thought I would be able to use this as a title in one of my blogs. One of my favorite songs say, "the secret of moving on, is travelling light..." In any perspective you may see it, my dear reader, yes, I am definitely moving on. I was able to grab a few good things in my past but still, I am moving on. I started to put my life into a better perspective.

And now, I know it was a really tough decision to make. I am leaving for China very soon. Leaving family, friends, my graduate studies, and a career here in the Philippines made me sigh. But what the heck, I'd still come back. I believe that a better opportunity waits for me there as of the moment.

Well. people do come and go. things come and go too. its a fact that we all know. it's up to us if we choose to come back or reminisce all the good things that happened to us in the past.

one good advice to live by:
the secret of moving on, is really travelling light.

...because for me a traveller with a heavy heart never reaches his destination easily.

and i am ready to move on... :)

Mamahalin mo pa rin ba ako?

…kahit hindi maganda ang mga mata ko?
…kahit hindi matangos ang ilong ko?
…kahit hindi ako kaaya ayang pagmasdan?
…kahit maputi ako?
…kahit mataba pa rin ako?
…kahit long hair na ako ulit?
…kahit nakangiwi ako pag nagssmile?
…kahit baduy ang suot ko?
…kahit hindi ako nagtapos sa magandang paaralan?
…kahit mababa lang ang posisyon ko sa trabaho?
…kahit hindi perpekto ang pamilya ko?
…kahit walang laman ang bulsa ko?
…kahit wala akong trabaho?
…kahit amoy pawis na ako?
…kahit may muta ako sa mga mata?
…kahit panis ang laway ko sa paghalik mo sa akin sa umaga?
…kahit malakas akong mag-burp?
…kahit napakabaho ng utot ko?
…kahit hindi ako marunong tumawid sa kalsada?
…kahit wala akong alam sa direksyon?

Mamahalin mo pa rin ba ako?

…kung hindi ako ang unang nag-fall sa yo?
…kung hindi ako nagpapakitang gusto din kita?
…kung hindi ako nagmamasweet sa yo?
…kung hindi ako nagkukusang gumawa ng paraan magkita lang tayo?
…kung hindi ako mabait?
…kung wala akong pangarap sa buhay?
…kung hindi ako marunong mag-express ng sarili ko?
…kung manhid ako sa mga ginagawa mo para sumaya lang ako?
…kung hindi ako iyakin?

Mamahalin mo pa rin ba ako, Lord, kahit ganito lang ako, at ito lang ang kaya kong ibigay muna sa Iyo?

iloveyou's on valentines day

uy, bakit di ka naka-red?
san ang date mo mamaya?
parang wala yatang delivery ng flowers ngayon ah?

hmm, nakakapanibago...

o, bat ganyan ang mukha mo? di mo ba ko narinig? ang sabi ko, friend, happy valentine's day! at sana happy puso ka tulad ng mga nakaraang taon.

sus! ano ka ba? sila lang ba may karapatang magcelebrate? Sila lang ba na may mga jowa? Tandaan mo friend, being alone doesn't equal to being lonely. Magkaiba yun.

iloveyou friend.
Taon taon akong hindi magsasawang batiin ka ng happy valentine's day. Magpapalit palit ka man ng jowa, basta ako, consistent lang akong nasa tabi mo.

Happy valentine, Friend.
O hala, celebrate na. :)

Snakes & Ladders

Uy, kumusta ka? Anlayo na ng nalalakad mo ah. Pero san ka papunta? Tsk. Ayan ka na naman sa sitwasyon na yan ah. Naglalakad nga. Wala namang direction. Wala din namang purpose. Pinapagod mo lang ang sarili mo.

Lagi ka namang back to start.

Parang ikaw yung pangtira sa snakes and ladders. Pag natapat sa pwesto mo yung pinakamalaking snake, back to start ka. Pag natapat ka naman sa pinakamalaking ladder, kala mo yabang mo na. Kaso naman you miss the fun. Mabilis kang matatapos sa laro. Wala ka ng gagawin kundi manood sa mga kalaban mo. At sa paulit ulit na pagpunta nila sa pwestong go back to start.

Kaso ikaw ngayon ang nasa pwestong go back to start eh.
Start ka na naman?
Pang ilan na yan?
Di ka pa ba pagod kakatira ng dice?
Malas ka lang ba tlaga o talagang gusto mo lang patagalin ang laro?

O, turn mo na. Bakit ayaw mo pang tumira? Kanina ka pa hinihintay ng mga kalaban. Sa pagkakaalam ko wala namang you lose a turn, o kaya pass sa larong ito.

May panalo.
May talo.
Kung sino ka man dun, hindi natin malalaman hanggat hindi ka natatapos sa laro. Sige na, hawakan mo na yung dice. Tumira ka na.

At sana, this time, lagyan mo ng direction.
Lagyan mo ng purpose.

life=complexity

.....

Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back where I came from because I didnt have the courage to say "yes" to life?

I made my first mistake when I was eleven years old, when that boy asked me if I could lend him a pencil; since then, I've realized that sometimes you get no second chance and that it's best to accept the gifts the world offers you. Of course it's risky, but is the risk any greater than the chance of the bus that took forty eight hours to bring me here having an accident? If I must be faithful to someone or something, then I have, first of all, to be faithful to myself. If I'm looking for true love, I first have to get the mediocre loves out of my system. The little experience of life I've had has taught me that no one owns anything, the everything is an illusion--and that applies to material as well as spiritual things. Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever (as has happened often enough to me already) finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them.

And if nothing belongs to me, then there's no point wasting my time looking after things that aren't mine; it's best to live today were the first (or last) day of my life...

....

quoted from Maria's Diary, the day after she met the Swiss man
Eleven Minutes by Paolo Coelho