Thirty One

I am apparently still in a daze from welcoming a new lease at life. While I am writing this, I am still nursing a bad hangover, and my burp still smells of Baileys.

I keep on remembering fragments of what has happened in the last few hours, and for so many years, this has been, the first time in the longest time that I smile a genuine smile. It's actually not the kind of happiness that creates a boisterous laughter, but the kind of happiness that is igniting from within.

I clearly remember what I wrote a year ago, a few days before my birthday.

"If I'd have birthday candles to blow,

I'd wish for genuine love

That would flourish and grow."

Exactly a year later, my life is just surrounded with so much love, the kind of love that has no pretensions, the kind of love that would prod me to love myself more. There is definitely no place I'd rather be. The Universe sure gives me overflowing love.

I don't think I'd ever have birthday blues again. Families (both by blood and by heart) assured and re-assured that I am loved. James, among many people, has made monumental efforts to make me feel special too. He woke me up on the eve of my birthday to blow my birthday candles. He even surprised me with a dress from a spanish brand I really like. He made sure I'd have the most memorable birthday party ever. And he even booked us a Hong Kong trip for this weekend!

What it feels to be thirty one? I guess there's lesser drama, because people around me exude a happy vibe which is really contagious. I've also learned the value and importance of people in my life. Some have stayed because I know that the kind of relationship we've shared are honest and transparent. While some have gone away because they've only taught me lessons that would make a better me.

Here's to hoping that I'd live a life like how I've celebrated my "Boodle Fight" Birthday Party yesterday -- carefree, intimate, fearless, fun.

This is my 31-year old self prior to the commencement of the "fight."

On Dying

"Have you ever felt that feeling that you might be dying anytime soon?"
He asked.

I said yes, so many times.

I always have that feeling of maybe-I'm-about-to-die-soon most especially on moments I am at my happiest, or at my content state -- on moments when suddenly, out of so many hurdles and challenges that's been coming my way, suddenly comes a plateau.

I've had a realization, that in a way, figuratively, is true. There is really a part of us that dies, because there is a part of us that is into birthing.

When a part of us dies, a part of us is born.
Then arrives better version of us.

We're not Lucky, We're Blessed

We're not lucky, we're blessed.

That's what he said when I kept recalling all the events that have been happening to both of us recently.

Last weekend, I had to sleep in the living room, lying down on a foam that doesn't seem to give comfort at all. It was Argentina - Germany championship, and all I had was an old 24" television, when I could have watched on my 42" 3D LED television my boyfriend has given me.

As I turned off the living room lights, waiting for the championship game in that little box, I smiled. I smiled a genuine smile, that even my heart could not contain. I truly immersed myself with this present feeling, because I know, one day, I shall look back at this moment, when I am already lying down at the comfort of my Tempur king size bed (even if I am unsure if that day will come), and tell myself, that I have been so much blessed to experience such kind of life. I may be immensely grateful.

Sometimes, the Universe has to give us lessons in the most unconventional manner. Sacrifices seem to be more bearable when we know that there will surely be something better that will come out of all these.

Life, after all, has been so good to me. I am not just lucky. I am blessed.

Life Lessons: Not Meant to Be

A colleague told me the story of how she lost her new China-made phone. It was not literally lost, but it's not working anymore.

She went rushing to the toilet to pass urine and her phone was inside her pocket. When she stood up and about to flush, she heard a sound of something that dropped into the bowl. It was her phone. It was her China-made phone. It fell off because her pocket was was too shallow for the big phone.

To her surprise, she picked it up, trying to save it, wishing it could be saved. It's been a week and the phone is inside a rice container, as some friend told her that it might help to get back to its good working condition. She is, until now, hoping.

Same goes with life, I guess. We all rush into hasty decisions, without even knowing the repercussions. We try to fit in some things that doesn't have any space in our lives. We try to fit into other people's lives who doesn't seem to be welcoming at all. Not even meant to be.

And yet, at the end of it all, we hope. We hope that that one day will come -- that day when everything we hoped for will finally fall into place.

Half-Year Mark

Dear Love,

We have just hurdled a big challenge in our relationship. I know this may be little from the bigger challenges we may be meeting along in our journey. We've only reached our half-year mark, and yet I know in my heart that we've endured a lot and we've become stronger, ever ready to overcome more.

Love, the more you open up yourself to me, the more you slowly take away the surface of your soul, the more I realize how much more there is to know, and accept, and love about you.

You may have thought that our meeting was the most unconventional and the most awkward to tell. But for me, I believe that our meeting was the most perfect time for us. Both of us were wounded, scared, and dazed. And yet when we met, I have realized that there was more of me to become. I've began to dream real dreams. I've began to do things with purpose. I've began to set beautiful goals I have never thought I would want to have. I have become fearless of what seemed to be a horrifying world.

Everyday has always been beautiful and memorable -- 
whether we are sharing the most intimate night at a fine dining restaurant or having dried fish and eggs for breakfast in our pajamas; 
whether we're sipping a first grade Sauvignon with a view of Clarke Quay city skyline or drinking a $20 wine on a plastic cup at a park;
whether we're watching a movie premiere on a couple seat with hotdogs and popcorn, or watching Monsters University for the Nth time at home while having some greasy chips;
whether we're lying down side by side watching the Phuket sunset while sipping our ice-cold Chang, or walking home from work, holding hands, while we admire how the night steals the day;
and the list goes on.

I am ever so thankful to the Universe for the gift of YOU. You have made life so beautiful. You have made me beautiful. I must have done something so good to deserve all these. And you are the gift that I would want to love, nurture, and cherish for as long as I am able to.

Like all relationships, ours may not be perfect as well. When we are faced with arguments, let us have arguments that both of us will win. Let's have arguments that are only for argument's sake. Let's have arguments that will make the better US. Let's have arguments with respect and never takes out each other's dignity. Let's choose the best argument.

And yet we love. I love loving you. I love how you express your love to me. I love your ways. I love our ways. I love the things we say and do for each other to express this feeling. There's too much love for you in this lifetime, love. This escalating ecstasy is beyond comprehension.

Hump Day Wednesday

I did not wake up on the right side of the bed.
I woke up today on the BEST side of the bed.

I never really liked Wednesdays. It brings some kind of melancholia that comes from somewhere I am unsure of. But today, out of so many days, is different. Today is whimsically different.

We are nearing the 6-month mark. Honestly, not all days bring sunshine to both of us. There are days that reminds us that we are both humans -- we get angry, we get hurt, we get disappointed, we get frustrated. We have always been reminded by circumstances, that even though our love for each other nourishes us, it will always be challenging to understand each other.

No matter how cliché-ic it sounds, men are really from Mars, while women are from Venus. While we find it so difficult to deal with men, I know that they feel the same way too.

However, last night happened. How often to you get your man to sit down with you and talk his heart out? How many men in the world will understand the fact that women find strength in showing their vulnerabilities? How many men will reminisce that first day they met you and fell in love with you and talk to you about it?

I got that man. Last night, I saw that part of him. We both expressed how this love should always be cultivated, how we should both thrive to find reasons to fall in love with each other everyday. He has given me the most genuine assurance. He's real. He's true. That's all that matters.

Today, he came back from a site visit and handed me over a Subway meal. Simple gestures that are very rare to come by with men. Simple gestures that bring tingles to my spine.

I love my man. I love how we constantly find harmony in our contrast.

Enduring Love

Me: Akalain mo no? Tatag niyo din e.
Supernanay: Shempre, patibayan kami. Kung sino ang unang aayaw, talo. HAHAHAHA
Ayaw niya siguro matalo. Lugi siya. Hahatian niya ako ng ari-arian niya. HAHAHAHA
Me: Ayaw niyang mapahiwalay sa iyo. Wala ng magtitiis sa kanya. Tiisan lang yan e.
Supernanay: Oo nga. Patibayan nga. Di ko naman maisauli sa nanay niya, wala na eh. Kahit gusto niya ako isauli, wala na din. Sorry na lang.
Me: Sige, gawin din natin yan. Puuush natin 'yan.
Supernanay: Push na lang tlaga! HAHAHAHA

I was having a conversation with the Supernanay, while she told me it's their 31st wedding anniversary. My mom and dad has been married for 31 years. And prior to that, they've been dating for 7 years. That's 38 years altogether! And even up to this day that my dad is very bad with giving gifts, he never misses an occasion.

Even if my mom doesn't admit up to this day, I know I was their "love child." I was already inside her when they got married! I was made in the cold month of December. And during their wedding day, I was already five months, growing fingernails and hair, and I am very sure she was already feeling my movements inside her.

Growing up in a closely-knit family, I have been a witness to their extraordinary love story. My parents grew up together with us too! They have matured as individuals, as partners and as parents to us. I've experienced how they have endured their everyday because of their love for each other. They have endured our everyday. And after thirty-one years, after all these changes that has happened, after every triumph and every hurdle, they have withstood and emerged ever stronger than yesterday.

Recently, while I was having a wine with my dad, I asked him how did they manage to reach this far. Knowing my dad to be a man of few words, he told me, "When she's angry, I keep quiet. When I'm angry, I keep quiet too." He actually made sense. He has mastered the art of compromising with human beings from Venus.

Compared to my mom and dad's love story, mine is still a little seedling that needs more sunlight, water, and insurmountable amount of tender loving care. I am fervently clasping my hands that we may be able to endure together -- that I may be able to endure how he doesn't seem to care about the world (but he sure does in his own manly way), and that he may be able to endure how haywire my emotions are and so much more than that.

I have been a firm believer of a lasting love through my mom and dad. With everything that's happening in the world right now, at least I got something to hold on to -- some kind of genuine hope that we may all be able to endure.

I am so proud of my parents. I am so proud of their enduring love. Whew! Thirty-one years! And here's to another thrity-one years and more!