to love is to love...is to love...is to bleed?

He said...

...

Tonight will be the last night ...

The last night I will relive our last time together.

Tonight will be the last night that I beg God to send you back to me...

The last night that I will criticize myself for not being what you wanted.

Tonight will be the last night that I wonder how you are...
what you are doing and who you are with....
The last night I will torment myself of thoughts of you in another's arms.

Tonight will be the last night I wonder why you are unable to love me...
The last night that I will think of myself as 'unlovable.'

Tonight will be the last time I cry like a wounded animal till I fall asleep...
The last night that I toss and turn with thoughts of you.

Tonight I will free myself of you...
You who turned and walked away without so much as a glance.

Tonight I let you go....

...

She said...

...

You are one of those books I joyfully picked

And wholeheartedly read…

One of those books I liked and chose to love.

One of the best books ever written.

But like all books, they’d all come to its last page.

The story would have its last chapter,

And would finally be put into a shelf.

Secured. Well kept.

Nevertheless, I’d soon catch myself reading the same old story again.

And have glimpses of the very first time I turned its first page.

I’d never forget how good the story was.

I may have read a lot of books—

Books that are of better story than yours.

I may be reading more books along the journey.

I may like it. I may not.

I don’t know.

But there’s this one thing I want you to take heart.

You were one story I liked…

And chose to love.

Incomparable with the others.

Unique. Extraordinary. Breathtaking.

I hope you’d find a very good book along your journey, too.

Be brave enough to know what’s behind the last page,

Just as you were when you were flipping the very first page.

In that way, whether you liked and loved what you’ve read,

Keep in mind that there has to be another good book at hand—

Waiting to be discovered and read.

Every book has its own story.

That, I’ve tried and proven.

Ours is one very good book--

That I’ve found interesting.

And intriguing.

Always be kept in the shelves of my heart.

Bonding Moment

One of the few things that makes me move on with ease...

The Strawberry on top

While I was asking approval for my winter designs from my boss, he told me these exact words, “Ha, this is the ice cream already, but I needed the strawberry on top.” From there, I knew what he was really asking from me. So I came back with my revised designs saying to myself that I’ve added the strawberry on top already. And it was finally approved.

I rarely see an ice cream that has strawberry on top. Most often, I see cherries. Red cherries. All my life I’ve been idealistic, positive with whatever happens and comes my way. But this is one of those phases I find it dragging. And melancholic.

I always say my world is an oyster. My life is your favorite ice cream flavor. And just like any other ice cream, I needed to put the most important part of the ice cream. The strawberry on top. Or maybe cherries. Whichever comes first. And tastes better.

Black Eye and everything that goes with it

Two days ago, I got a black eye. No, I did not put up a fight just like other people say when they have a black eye. I just hit myself with something. Surprisingly, it hit my left eye. So until now, I still have to cover it up with concealer and wear my eyeglasses. In a way, people won't recognize I have a swollen black eye. Last Saturday, Janice (my colleague-friend) cried just before we went off for work. She was shouted at by our boss. Knowing Janice, born under the zodiac sign of virgo, is just like me, wasn't able to contain the feeling and eventually poured it out. I cannot blame her for crying, especially when you know that you shouldn't have shouted at because it was not your fault at all. I did not take sides. Even when other colleagues tell that we should not show those kinds of feelings especially with work, I could not blame Janice for letting them see how she really feels. Both have a point. Actually we all do. And we have a right for our own opinions, which is actually based on the life that has been and being laid down to us.

I admit. I cry for many reasons. Sometimes, I cry for very lame reasons. Friends often find me weird for crying because of rainbows, or because of sunsets, or because of the rain. Maybe I then realized, I cry because I am awed, and wondered by the sight and magic I see in God's beautiful creation. I find magic in them. And I cry.

I cry on situations when I need to let go, may it be anyone or anything. I find it hard to let go of the things that's been so important to me, played a role into my own becoming. I kept letters since my grade school years, wilted flowers that were presents from people close to my heart, chocolate and candy wrappers, tissues from restos and bars, receipts, etc. etc. Yes, I am basurera. And I don't want to let go of them, just yet. I might cry.

I haven't mastered letting go of people too. I remembered my first ever major letting go experience. It happened when I was at a very young age of twelve. When I was in grade six, she was my favorite teacher, which eventually became a godmother on my confirmation, but wasn't able to attend because she left for New Zealand before my confirmation. I clearly remember how hard I cried during that time. I felt I will never see her again. And it was followed by more letting go experiences. During that year, I had three, close friends leaving for Canada and other parts of the world, one after the other. It has been hard for me to cope up, and continue with life. I thought then, that all these people close to me would eventually go and leave, and find a life that's far different from mine. And yes, I cry.

I cry for personal problems. I cry for family problems. I cry for my country. I cry for the people that are victims of tragedies, calamites, and war. I cry for people close to me that's hurting, that's in pain. I cry too, for love--that I can love... that I have loved... that I’m in love... that I am loved... that I am unloved... that I am loveless.. that I may be loved...

I'm almost five months here in China, trying out to what I hoped to be a greener pasture. The future is vague from where I stand now, but I am excited and more hopeful to what and where God wanted me to be. And until now, I cry, for more reasons than when I left the Philippines.

I cry because I realized it's very hard to wash my own clothes, and I wonder how hardworking my mom is for washing all our clothes for more than twenty years.

I cry because I cannot eat now the food that my mom prepares that I have often taken for granted way back home.

I cry because I cook my own food now, whether it tastes good or not, I just have to eat to survive.

I cry because I am missing a good sleep. I miss my bed and my dream catcher.

I cry because I miss my family. I miss Hannah too. I miss the things I used to do, having coffee on mornings with my mom at the garage, putting up Hannah's swing and just take photos while she perfects riding and making her swing move.

I miss our Sunday barbeque party. My aunts and cousins would come over to our place and we would have inihaw na liempo, grilled fish, and talong for lunch.

I cry because I miss my friends. I miss Friday night outs at Café Agogo, or Xaymaca, or Nine Ball, or Starbucks with friends at work or with college friends.

I cry because I miss the places I used to hang out to. Coffee Indulgence, I soo miss you.

I cry because I am seldom hugged now than before. Ratio then for my hugs is averagely 10 hugs: 1 day, while now, its 1 hug: 3 months. I really needed more hugs when I get back home just to make up for the hugs I missed while I was here.

I cry for an uncertain future.

I cry because I am missing a life of dilly dallying I left in the Philippines.

I cry because I was exposed early into the real cruel world. I cry because I know, life moves so fast. I could not make it stop. Or even just make it slow. People I left in the Philippines are moving in different directions as much as I do. And I know, and I am preparing, that one day, we will never be close as much as we were before, just when I left the Philippines.

I cry more often now, whether with audience or without. But the difference in crying now is that I am also the one who comforts and gives courage to my own weeping self.

It's funny how painful it was to be hit by something in the eye and get a black eye. But it's funnier to know that I did not shed even a single tear because of this.

But still, I cry for infinite reasons. And I never get tired of comforting myself after.

A whole week without sleep. Sigh.

Finally, the Hong Kong toy show is about to unfold—meaning, sleepless nights will have a ceasefire for the meantime. Yes!

I’ve been daring to write since before my birthday. But have got no time. At all. I thought then that instead of sitting in front of the computer, chat with friends, and write an entry, I should just do my laundry and clean our room. (I realized that every person’s needs has its own hierarchy too. And chatting and writing just comes second on my list now.)

Guess what readers, I’ve got a long birthday celebration I’m sure you’d be jealous of! I’ve never had a birthday celebration as special as this before.

I can still vividly remember last year, just about a few days before my birthday. I wrote an entry about hibernation. I always feel that way every year. I fear of birthdays. Of growing and getting old. And even if I said I’ve learned what it is to grow old, I still couldn’t swallow how bitter (or sweet) it is to add years to life. My friend always comforts me, always telling me, that maybe, I am like this because I have never been used to be treated special. Ever since, I’ve always wanted to treat people I love special, and not the other way around. Maybe it’s true that I feel awkward. I feel odd.

I finally realized how smart God is. Pinaghibernate niya nga ako. J This is my first birthday ever without my family, my relatives, and my closest friends. All I have is a family that I’ve known just for almost four months ago. And still, I wanted to hibernate. I’ve got no plans at all but days have been dragging fast I could not pull it back. So I had to accept, that yes, my birthday is coming.

Pre-birthday Celebration

Every 15^th, the birthday celebrants of the month will blow their very own 3-layered birthday cake. Comes with it is an ampao with money inside, of course. I thought then, that it was the first time I will be having a 3-layered cake, much more to blow candles on it. I barely can remember the last time I blew candles on my birthday cake. It was amazing. This kind of pre-birthday celebration was new to me. So I had a little excitement on my coming birthday, but still, the thought of hibernating is still in consideration.

September 21

I had a countdown on my birthday. I did it alone in the room, which I used to do every year. On the eve of my birthday, I sang a birthday song to myself, and cried. I am happy that I will be celebrating my birthday in a foreign land. But sad, I am far from loved ones. I’ve learned now how to silently cry, without an audience, without someone patting my back, without someone hugging me. I cry and at the same time, I comfort myself after. I was able to look forward to a new experience of celebrating a birthday, far from what I used to have for 22 years.

I celebrated at Bao Li Hotel. We had dim sum and dumplings. I had an orange cake and orange custard cakes. I’ve got birthday presents too! I’ve got an orange bouquet of roses from my friends and got a long stem rose with chocolates from Zhang Hui (our Chinese guy friend). They sang 3 Happy birthday songs in 3 different languages. Would there be anyone luckier than me? From happy birthday to you, to Sheng ri kuai Le, to Maligayang Bati. Looking at my lighted cake, I wished. And I blew my candles on my orange cake. I slept with a thought that it’s not really bad not to hibernate on birthdays. It’s not bad to feel I am special from time to time. I slept with a beaming heart.

Post-birthday Celebration

Last September 30, Chris, Gigi, and MJ went to Hong Kong to see me, and have a post birthday celebration. The Hong Kong trip was my birthday gift to my sister too (Her birthday is on Sept.18). A lot of things have happened during the Hong Kong trip. But looking back, it really was an experience to reminisce, over and over again. I am happy that I was able to spend three days with few of the special people in my life.

We went to a lot of places. I was able to let them see the beauty in Hong Kong. Our first night was spent for a late night dinner around tsim sha tsui in one of the Chinese restaurants that’s still open at past 12 midnight. We should have spent dinner at Avenue of the Stars. But because, it is already late, we opt to change plans.

The following day is Disneyland Day! Everything I thought that would only be dream is not a dream anymore. All of this happened when I’m all awake. Who would have thought na ang batang “Star City” ay nakarating na sa Hong Kong Disneyland? So ano ngayon kung hindi pa ako nakakapunta sa Enchanted Kingdom?

Moments of tears were countless. Just before the entrance I started crying already. And from time to time, there trickled down the salty waters of mixed emotions.

I cried—mainly for two reasons. One, Disneyland for me is every child’s dream. Since the day I probably can remember things, I dreamed of going to Disneyland, and have a picture with Mickey and Minnie mouse. I remember the first cartoon character that I’ve perfected drawing. It was Mickey Mouse that I’ve copied from a plastic coin bank that me and my sister used to fill with “mamera.” So just before the entrance of the Hong Kong Disneyland, I already burst into tears. I have never realized that a dream way back in childhood years would finally come into reality.

Second, I came to Disneyland with a few of the most important people in my life. Taking them to Hong Kong brings a fulfillment and a sense of happiness to me that no one can ever replace. I remember my conversation with my sister when we were still kids. We used to take a look at photographs in the magazines that are shot in Disneyland all over the world. We used to look at friends’ pictures from Disneyland. We both dreamed of this. And I’m happy, I made it happen.

Everything was like a dream to me. A waking dream. A dream that I only want to last. But some (or most) of the good things never really last. I just hold on to one truth—at least, I have memories to reminisce and cherish. And a hope that one day, it will happen again. And that’s what’s important.

Catching Up

I haven’t fed my blog for ages. And to my readers, I so apologize. I’ve got a handful of reasons why I wasn’t able to blog for the past few days.

1. The computer in the common room got a virus. By the time I finally finish what I am about to write, it automatically shuts off. So I’ve become impatient.

2. I’ve got no time. I know it’s so lame, but really, yeah, I’ve got no time. It even surprises me the thought that it was just Monday, and by the time I get to my senses, it’s already end of the week! Sometimes I wonder, do the people I left in the Philippines feel the same way I do?

3. I always go home late from work. I’ve got so many things to do. I’ve got so many projects that will come out on October in Hong Kong toy show. I needed to work twice as fast.

Ugh. That’s why. Please pardon me for that.

The last few days of August were the busy and memorable ones. Well, to catch up, I’ll give you glimpses of what’s been happening to me on my journey here in the land of Shen Zhen.

August 20

Hannah celebrated her third birthday party at Jollibee. Most of our closest relatives and friends were there. How I wish I was there so that I could personally see the beaming face of our little princess. I hope I made her happy and she will not be bothered by my absence as it was swaddled with big and colorful balloons, party poopers, and a lot of kids.

Lunch in Hong Kong

How do you like having just lunch in Hong Kong and having no schedule whatsoever at all? In spite of my busy career schedule, that one Sunday was truly memorable. I don’t have to take a look at the time. For that day, I can go wherever I want, I can do whatever I want to do…I can be as free as a bird. Hong Kong is an interesting place to go to. Of course a day wouldn’t be enough to do all the things I want to do. From Shen Zhen, we rented a car up to LoWu station. and from there, we took the train to Hongkong. I actually don't haveplans of buying anything or going to places whatsoever. I've got money in my pocket. bahala na kahit saan dalhin. papaagos ako. haha!

i got a new fone! finally! yess! i got a sony ericsson z550i. i'm not the techie type of person, but most of the people i know told me it's a good buy! :) in my entire life, this is the first time i got a fone for myself from my own pocket. from my own perspiration. from my own effort. that's why, i'm happy twice as much. hay. ganito pala ang feeling. i'm soo proud of myself... <earla baby smiles and taps her shoulders>

On loving and being loved

We just finished watching Lovers in Paris last Sunday. It was quite a good cry from time to time, from beginning till the end. Maybe, that’s what really love is. Since last weekend, I’ve composed a lot of questions about love. Too many things to ask. Too many people to ask opinions about love. All’s different. Seeing love in one’s own diverse perspective.

Does love really makes the world go round?

Or does it make your whole world stop?

Last Saturday, I thought of texting a friend. Sending messages anyway from my China sim is a lot cheaper than using my Globe roaming sim. I’m happy to be connected to the world again. We’ve had an exchange of how-are-you’s and i-miss-you’s. And I reminded her of her promise of coming to Hong Kong with her partner on November so that I would be able to see them once again, but, in a foreign land. I was so sorry to hear that they’re not together anymore. I still remember her partner before she opted to work in Dubai. Tears were endless before she left. I even told her partner, young as she was, to reach her dreams. Just like me. But like anyone in this world wishes, I am hoping that if one day, her partner comes back from a two-year contract, they’ll still be together and still be so much in love with each other. Well, I guess, some of the good things never really last. Her partner left her leaving “falling-out-of-love” as an excuse. Was it really falling out of love? I am still figuring out. Do long distance relationships don’t really work? Is constant communication still not enough for you to keep the relationship? I wondered.

I missed my friend more. I know she’s grudging. I know what she’s feeling. I am helpless because I could not even hug her and pat her back, and tell her that “it’s going to be okay, in God’s own sweet time. You’ll see.”

I miss Clem. I miss fetching her in her pad before we go to office. I miss bringing her our favorite barbeque and together we grill them, without even caring what her neighbors will tell the next day to their landlady. I miss our chuva talks. I miss our serious talks. I miss our mushy talks over bottles of San Mig Light, whether in her pad, or in Café Agogo. I miss her sweet way of saying “tangaaaaaa” whenever I make mistakes in life, which, I always do. I miss her oh-so-good tacos. I miss her spaghetti. I miss eating popcorn with her. I miss the way she says good things about me in front of her friends. I miss Clem. I miss my friend.

I am constantly praying that one day, she’ll finally find a love that’s really for her. She’s been kind to everyone. And maybe, she deserves a little more worth (and more love) than she’s getting now. I am so sorry for not being with her, especially now that she’s in her trying times. But I have faith, she can make it. I will always be here for you, chuva. Promise.

You’ll probably be Vivian (Tae-Young). Your future will just about to unfold. So I’ll probably one of those who’ll witness. And be excited.

It.Sucks. (written on tuesday, 09.05.06)
Yesterday was Monday. A beginning of a new week. Was so excited to come to work to finish pending projects that will be due really soon. Polly (our translator), came to me and was asking for my signature. It says on the paper that I was fined 20RMB for not turning off the aircon in the office last Saturday. Okay, I admit, due to excitement and hunger during that time, I ran as fast as I could out of the office, not thinking I was the only one left, and that means, a big responsibility of turning off the lights, fans, and damn! Airconditioner. So I paid yesterday. But since I hate the administration, especially, the head, I thought of giving the 20RMB in coins. As in in yi jiao (10 cents) and wu jiao (50 cents). Anyway, that’s still Chinese currency. Not fake money. They didn’t accept the payment. In fact, the administration head even threatened me that they will be giving me yi jiao’s and wu jiao’s on my salary. I said why not? Only if they can find exactly 80million yi jiao’s. hah!

(fyi: the accounting department here in Shen Zhen does not know the foreigners’ salary. My salary. Even a single employee does not know even a hint on how high my salary is, compared from theirs. That’s why the Hong Kong office is the one preparing our pay slips.) I apologize now to my Chinese friends, but I am really mad why are you not accepting your own currency? Why not tell your government to just make money that you prefer to use and accept. Don’t you think it’s a waste of time and energy making all these coins, and not being accepted? I hate this company. So I’m beginning hate your country too. I even hate your people. A**holes.

And now, Tuesday, I received a memo through our email, from the Administration Department, where every employee can see also. Do they really have to do that? Be proud and tell everyone I DID NOT TURN OFF THE AIRCON LAST SATURDAY??? Now tell me. Is that proper? I actually don’t know what to react. Should I be supposed to laugh at them and say, “Don’t you guys have more important things to do rather than write a memo-- er, trash such as this??

Read on, and tell me what you think. Laugh with me. And hate them with me.
______________________________________________
On Sep. 2nd evening, the air-conditioner behind Design Dept. was not turned off after leaving. Since the air-conditioner is a high-power electric machine and wasted a lots of electricity, Our company decided to punish the functionary person Earla by 20 RMB.

______________________________________________

Wow! What a grammar. I’m sorry if I wasted A LOTS of electricity ha? I’m sorry too if I am a FUNCTIONARY PERSON ok? (laughed hard till stomach ached.)

But after that, natawa na lang ako. at naging bida pa ako! ha! kilala na ko sa buong office, even sa factory! bida!

***

To sum it all up. okay naman ako. still getting by. and still surviving. just as you do, my dear reader, one awful day at a time... and always prepare for another awful day that will welcome you tomorrow... and be optimistic. that's what's more important.

Of eating chocnut and tinapa

If there would be anything more to call heaven more than heaven itself (as in "heavenest"?) then, maybe this is it.

Mama Gwen just came back last night from a two-week vacation in Manila.  Who would actually believe that she has now renewed a contract in our company after two long years?  She must've chosen to finish her contract, but instead of leaving us, she came back to china and renewed her contract--for love's and selflessness' sake.

I fondly call her "Mama Gwen" because since the first day i've been here, she's been a mother to me. well, almost. not anly to me, but being one of the eldest here, she's been a mother to everyone as well.  We welcomed her with open arms. We locked ourselves inside the common room so by then she goes inside, we'd all welcome her with loud shouts and hands clapping and hugs... and teary eyes as well.  she brought a lot of stuffs that came way back home from our families.  Karla got her tinapa, and tuyo, and pusit. all soo yummy and very filipino.  I got my cheese spreads, margarine and all those stuffs. plus i got all kinds of chocolates--macadamia, almonds, dark chocolates, white chocolates. but i didnt bother to give them too much attention because, what the heck, they have it here too. i jumped with awe when i saw chocnuts. very filipino. oohhh i terribly miss them. good thing, they sent a lot of it. i hope it wouldnt ran out. sigh.

So we were looking forward to eating all of it. :) yum. we finally decided to eat tinapa during lunchtime. we also cooked luncheon meat.  I ate a lot I admit. the tinapa ran out fast! i even used my bare hands to eat! after lunch, we just put the luncheon meat inside the fridge. hah! hindi mabenta!

And then I thought, if there would be more heaven than the one I experienced the last time, this is the "heavenest!"  Sometimes, the things we take for granted are the things we miss so bad when we finally realize we dont already have them in our grasp.

I love being filipino.

ang mga chinese ba may ganito?

ganito ba kasarap mabuhay sa china?

this is HEAVENEST.

Goodnight world. Till our next meeting in heaven. :)

ohh, before i sleep, i'd eat more of my chocnuts. yum! gusto mo?