#Clingy

Hashtag Clingy.

Young people of today use that as part of their everyday language. Why are people of today so clingy with everyone and everything that at times it doesn't make sense anymore.

What has ever happened to our personal independence?

My phone suddenly gave up on me today. My alarm didn't wake me up. I couldn't check my calendar on my daily schedule and meetings. I lost communication to family and friends overseas. I could not even track when my next period will be. Just because my phone died on me.

I felt like I was a headless chicken running around nowhere.

And why do we act this way with our relationships too? We have been used unto being attached to the comfort of having them around. What will happen when suddenly one is gone, or lost?

Should we feel like a headless chicken running around nowhere too?

We cling, and yet we only cling for the moment.

28 October Thoughts

I remember what you said; You said you’ll never leave me.

Sometimes I feel so all alone.

Lord, I know I’m just a man.

It’s been almost half a day, and this song is still on repeat.

The more it continues to play, the deeper it goes through every tissue of me.

It’s been two days since that unforgettable bus experience. Most of the time, I forget. But today, I remembered, and it’s even more real now when my thoughts go through it.

There’s so much things to say, yet I uttered none. 

The more I wanted to forget, all the more I remember.

The more I wanted to be cleansed, the more I feel filthier.

I feel so bad for being weak.

I shouldn’t have trusted the world, but myself.

It’s all real, and yet I feel fake.

This indescribable feeling may take time.

When wounds are unseen, it takes even more time to heal.

I catch myself staring blankly, looking out, looking far.

Thinking, but not thinking at all.

I should be attuned to the own beating of my heart.

That’s the only sign I get that I am still alive.

The Case of the Missing Red Velvet Cupcake

It's been more than twenty four hours, and yet, it still gives me a heartbreak everytime I remember that somebody took my red velvet cupcake. To you, this might just be a little issue and you'd just shrug it off.

Let me tell you something. I am not a selfish person by nature. But let me explain to you why I feel this way and why is there such a need to even blog about this.

On the eve of welcoming my 31st birthday, I blew candles on my cupcakes that my boyfriend gave me. I ate one of it and thought exactly how I am supposed to eat the rest of it -- red velvet will be last. As they say, save the best for last.

However, last night when I came home from the office, tired and feeling so much pain from monthly cramps, I thought a red velvet cupcake might do some magic. When I opened the box, two cupcakes were missing. The caramel flavor and the red velvet. The boyfriend said he ate the caramel. And yes. The red velvet cupcake that should have been eaten last, or eaten in emergency cases like this, was lost.

I told the boyfriend about it, but instead of agonizing with me, or even consoling me with the loss of the red velvet cupcake, he got pissed and just told me he'll buy another box of cupcakes.

But no matter how many boxes of cupcakes he buy, he can't replace my birthday cupcakes -- the first ever cupcakes he gave me, the cupcakes I blew candles on the eve of my 31st birthday, the cupcakes that opened doors to more suprises.

I am not really sefish by nature. I am just sentimental. And to me, those are not just cupcakes. Those are my 31st birthday cupcakes.

And nobody understands.

Thirty One

I am apparently still in a daze from welcoming a new lease at life. While I am writing this, I am still nursing a bad hangover, and my burp still smells of Baileys.

I keep on remembering fragments of what has happened in the last few hours, and for so many years, this has been, the first time in the longest time that I smile a genuine smile. It's actually not the kind of happiness that creates a boisterous laughter, but the kind of happiness that is igniting from within.

I clearly remember what I wrote a year ago, a few days before my birthday.

"If I'd have birthday candles to blow,

I'd wish for genuine love

That would flourish and grow."

Exactly a year later, my life is just surrounded with so much love, the kind of love that has no pretensions, the kind of love that would prod me to love myself more. There is definitely no place I'd rather be. The Universe sure gives me overflowing love.

I don't think I'd ever have birthday blues again. Families (both by blood and by heart) assured and re-assured that I am loved. James, among many people, has made monumental efforts to make me feel special too. He woke me up on the eve of my birthday to blow my birthday candles. He even surprised me with a dress from a spanish brand I really like. He made sure I'd have the most memorable birthday party ever. And he even booked us a Hong Kong trip for this weekend!

What it feels to be thirty one? I guess there's lesser drama, because people around me exude a happy vibe which is really contagious. I've also learned the value and importance of people in my life. Some have stayed because I know that the kind of relationship we've shared are honest and transparent. While some have gone away because they've only taught me lessons that would make a better me.

Here's to hoping that I'd live a life like how I've celebrated my "Boodle Fight" Birthday Party yesterday -- carefree, intimate, fearless, fun.

This is my 31-year old self prior to the commencement of the "fight."

On Dying

"Have you ever felt that feeling that you might be dying anytime soon?"
He asked.

I said yes, so many times.

I always have that feeling of maybe-I'm-about-to-die-soon most especially on moments I am at my happiest, or at my content state -- on moments when suddenly, out of so many hurdles and challenges that's been coming my way, suddenly comes a plateau.

I've had a realization, that in a way, figuratively, is true. There is really a part of us that dies, because there is a part of us that is into birthing.

When a part of us dies, a part of us is born.
Then arrives better version of us.

We're not Lucky, We're Blessed

We're not lucky, we're blessed.

That's what he said when I kept recalling all the events that have been happening to both of us recently.

Last weekend, I had to sleep in the living room, lying down on a foam that doesn't seem to give comfort at all. It was Argentina - Germany championship, and all I had was an old 24" television, when I could have watched on my 42" 3D LED television my boyfriend has given me.

As I turned off the living room lights, waiting for the championship game in that little box, I smiled. I smiled a genuine smile, that even my heart could not contain. I truly immersed myself with this present feeling, because I know, one day, I shall look back at this moment, when I am already lying down at the comfort of my Tempur king size bed (even if I am unsure if that day will come), and tell myself, that I have been so much blessed to experience such kind of life. I may be immensely grateful.

Sometimes, the Universe has to give us lessons in the most unconventional manner. Sacrifices seem to be more bearable when we know that there will surely be something better that will come out of all these.

Life, after all, has been so good to me. I am not just lucky. I am blessed.

Life Lessons: Not Meant to Be

A colleague told me the story of how she lost her new China-made phone. It was not literally lost, but it's not working anymore.

She went rushing to the toilet to pass urine and her phone was inside her pocket. When she stood up and about to flush, she heard a sound of something that dropped into the bowl. It was her phone. It was her China-made phone. It fell off because her pocket was was too shallow for the big phone.

To her surprise, she picked it up, trying to save it, wishing it could be saved. It's been a week and the phone is inside a rice container, as some friend told her that it might help to get back to its good working condition. She is, until now, hoping.

Same goes with life, I guess. We all rush into hasty decisions, without even knowing the repercussions. We try to fit in some things that doesn't have any space in our lives. We try to fit into other people's lives who doesn't seem to be welcoming at all. Not even meant to be.

And yet, at the end of it all, we hope. We hope that that one day will come -- that day when everything we hoped for will finally fall into place.