Self Portrait 2013

I woke up this morning with a very sudden and strong urge to draw.

And for me, one of the best therapy is drawing self portraits which I've mentioned here. But today, I drew me, naked. This process is overwhelming and awakening at the same time. Every curve, every stroke, every highlight give more reasons on what it really means to be alive.

 Self Portrait 2013

Charcoal on Watercolor Paper

What Happens After 100 Days

The days dragged on that seemed like forever.

Four days ago was the 100th day.
Two days ago must've been the 8th year.

Counting numbers that doesn't even give reasons to life. To death.

There've been so much questions. Yet afraid of answers.
I am the truth. Yet you hold your own truth.
Talking must've been good.
But if flowers are not fragrant enough to blossom, let's rather keep our silence.

The world is filled with suffering.
Neither you, nor I is spared.

I've kept myself immersed with the world.
I am empty. But unashamed.
From here springs forth infinite possibilities.

If, one day, God wills, we cross each other's paths,
spare US a moment.
That time was never wasted.
Never even thought it was.

I am sorry for hurting you.
I am sorry for hurting me.
I am sorry for hurting US.

It was a beautiful love.
Until WE died.

Unattachment

Why are you unnecessarily worrying?
Whom do you fear?
Who can kill you?
Soul is neither born nor does it dies.

What has happened has happened for the best.
What is happening is happening for the best.
What will happen will happen for the best.
Do not brood over the past.
Do not worry about the future.
The present is on.

What is lost, that you are weeping?
What have you brought, that you have lost?
What have you made, that have been destroyed?
You brought not anything.
What you have, you got from here.
What you took, you took from this Universe.
What you gave, you gave unto this Universe.

You have come empty handed and shall go empty handed.
What is yours today was somebody else's in the past and will be somebody else's in the future.
You think it is yours and are deeply engrossed in it.
This attachment is the cause of all your sorrows.

---
This message was sent to me by one of the people whom I regard as a second mother. The message came at the time I needed answers to questions that kept on lingering. And how amazing to know that it can be answered through questions.

I've been liking the word "Unattachment" lately. It is far different from the word detachment. I realized that when I embrace reality with unattachment, I do things with immense passion and with a sense of purpose, and just offer to the Universe whatever the outcome is. And apparently, it makes a lot of difference.

Dear Future Love

When I woke up this morning, I thought about you.

We may have met or we may have not, nevertheless, I still thought about you. When I think of you, there is no face, gender, look or voice that comes up. I just want to think that you will exist in my future. And that realization alone, suffice.

I guess I am liking the fact that I don't have any expectation of you. I just want to have a companion in life who can talk about anything and everything, whom I can exchange laughters and tears with, who will accept and respect me for who I am and who I was. The rest can be compromised.

You see, I write this letter to you at the time that I am broken. Or rather I would say, at the time, I am slowly picking myself up from being broken. I already passed the stage of curling myself up in bed in almost all nights, waking up from swollen eyes due to tears that lulled me to sleep. Though, of course there are still nights, but quite a few now compared to the previous days. I already started to go out of the house to get some real sun, reach out to friends, and wear a smile on my face.

Now, I am already preparing myself for our meeting. I want to call this phase as the preparation stage before finally meeting you. I know you are also preparing to meet me too. I have changed, but I assure you it's all for the better. Though I still weep at mushy love movies and I still scream at sweet surprises, I am now a person who likes to live in the "now," who have cleared the baggage of the past (and does not even intend to carry more in the future).

In my life, I've already given so much love. But surprisingly, there will still be lots of it reserved for you. I am being patient. I know you are worth the wait. We have a lifetime to spend with each other.

See you soon, future love.

Shared Bedroom

Since I was born, I never had my own room. I grew up sharing a room with my sister. Even if we have separate beds, we talk and do things even after our mom turns off the lights at night. The walls were filled with doodles and illustrations of our growing up years. We even had freedom walls in our teenage years to fill up with our favorite quotes, our feelings for the day, frustrations, heartbreaks, happy times, and memorable photos. When our dad bought us a radio, we would always listen to our favorite radio station to lull us to sleep. We shared stuff, clothes, and conversations. Even if there were times in the past that I envy friends who got their own rooms, I was generally happy to share a room with my sister. It was not all sunny days, but memories are worth remembering.

After 29 years, I know now how it feels to have a room on my own. Since I came here in this country, I have shared a room with somebody -- somebody whom I have shared conversations with in the middle of the night too, whom I have exchanged pats on the back when our day's gone bad, whom I have shared a tissue box with while watching my favorite drama series on TV, among many others.

Having a room all by myself is such an overwhelming feeling. I regard it as a very good way to enlightenment. Slowly, I am beginning to seize the moment I share with myself. This was the time I realized how much I missed myself and how much I owe to my spiritual growth. My time, my thoughts, my actions are my own. And no matter how paradoxical it is, being alone by myself paves the way to connect and re-connect to others.

Others will have haircuts. While others will go places. In my case, I re-arranged and cleaned my room to signal change, new beginning, and a little step to moving on. The days have been tedious, challenging, and heart-breaking. But ultimately, I have a heart which never gets tired of breaking.

PS:
I've been on a long hiatus. It took me tons of guts to get back on track. Please bear with the nomad who is having a hard time to be blissful.

Chinese New Year House Party

It's my second year to be invited in an authentic Chinese New Year house party. And in a way, I have learned so much from previous year's mistake.

As a tradition when invited to Chinese New Year house parties, guests should bring at least 2 mandarin oranges. The first time I was invited last year, I brought another kind of oranges (because I thought since they're more expensive, they're luckier). All my Chinese friends made fun out of it. Until this day, whenever we remember, we could not help but laugh. I felt so foreign.

But this year, I feel like a true blue Chinese. Luckily, my sister was in town so I brought her to her first Chinese New Year house party. I taught her the house rules. Each of us brought two mandarin oranges and a hamper filled with Pinoy goodies-- all of which are my boss-friend's favorites. We ate steamboat for dinner. After which, the card game began. I'm not quite sure if my sister was amazed that I am finally conversational in Mandarin. And most of the time laugh at how my accent changed over the years. My adaptability process is just amazing, I myself is at awe.

Ended the day with a lucky draw of hong bao. Red packets are filled with money in different denominations -- 38SGD, 28SGD, 18SGD, 8SGD & 6SGD. My sister and I both got 8 dollars inside our red packets. :-) It feels like Christmas all over again.

*Photo courtesy of my sister, Christine.

The Colours of New Year

In Singapore, the welcoming of the Lunar New Year is a grand celebration. It's like Christmas season in the Philippines. People do a lot of spring cleaning and buy plants to decorate their homes. Like how Filipinos decorate their homes with Christmas trees and other stuff reminiscent of Christmas, Chinese decorate their homes with Kumquats, Mandarin Orange trees and Pussy Willows.

It's a good experience to be working in this industry where the whole nursery will be filled with Mandarin orange scents, and most of all colourful flowers. Shipped from all parts of the world, my workplace becomes an orchard of beautiful things.

So as they say, Xin Nian Kuai Le! Gong xi fa cai!

Kalanchoe

Four Season Kumquat

Guzmania

Cockscomb

Rose

Hibiscus

Pink Kalanchoe

Orange Kalanchoe

Hibiscus

Cockscomb

Japanese Crab Apple

Zinnia

Anthurium

Azalea

Periwinkle

Mandarin Orange

Big Orange