Dear Lola Mang | Day 25

Easter Monday.

Yesterday was a special event in our home. It was the family's yearly tradition to have our Easter Egg Hunt after coming home from our Sunday mass. Twelve eggs are to be found in our living room. Who has been keeping them all these years?

Lola Mang.

My mom texted me early in the morning.

"Good Morning! Happy Easter! Sino kaya ang magtatago ng eggs ngayon?" (Who do you think will hide the eggs today?)

She followed through with a photo she took of our altar. She placed food for Lola as our usual "atang"with an unpainted egg. She said, "Magpepaint din siya eh." (She will paint too.)

Usually, when Lola Mang paints, she always draw faces that are always Chinese looking -- two straight lines for the eyes and a long curved line for the lips. And she always boasts them as if they're the best eggs artwork in the world. I guess I'd have to oblige by now.

I drank my coffee early in the morning while I sobbed. It has always been a good time since nobody was watching.

While we were eating lunch, our Easter Egg Hunt memories came through my mind. I gave up controlling the tears. James, in his usual self, cracked up some jokes to make me smile. He made goofy moves while he sang the nursery rhyme, "Three Blind Mice."

Three Blind Mice was one of the nursery rhymes I so loved when I was growing up. Lola Mang taught me the Bicolano version of that rhyme that until now, I still can remember.

Tulum Butang Kino
Naghuruharampang
An sabi san saro
An sabi san saro
Tulum butang kino

I guess when you remember by heart, you remember forever.

I cried. I smiled. I cried again.

Dear Lola Mang

27 March | Thursday

Day 1

“Why are you crying, Ninang Ola?

Is Lola Mang dead?”

Brandon was with me at the workplace when the news came. It was too tough to handle. But he made it so easy. He told me I shouldn't be sad because you've only ended your life here on earth. You have another life in heaven.

He even said, “I can't wait to die, Ninang O. Because when I do, I'll come up to Jesus and I will ask where Lola Mang is. And we will be together again.”

How do I live now, without you, Lola Mang?

(via Instagram)

28 March | Friday

Day 2

I didn't know how I was able to sleep last night. All I know is that the dark was too comforting. Memories of you kept on flashing through since yesterday. I remember them so fondly I laugh until I end up crying. I am blessed to have people surround me with overflowing love. Their comforting words and hugs help me carry through. I woke up today early, just like the rest of the days to carry on with everyday domestic duties. I can't stop the sun to rise, even all I ever wanted was to stay in the dark. I can't stop the birds to chirp outside my room window, even all I ever wanted was silence. I looked at the bathroom mirror and I saw my swollen eyes. I don't look good today. I didn't really make an effort because the insides of me don't feel good at all. My head is painful, but my heart is even more so. I slept wearing this ring you gave me a few years ago. Maybe I'll be wearing this everyday from now on. Our last phone conversation was filled with "I love yous." And til today, I remember how you said those words to me even with trembling voice. This is so tough. How do I get through life without you anymore? I love you, Lola Mang. I love you. I love you. I love you.

(via Instagram)

29 March | Saturday

Day 3

Today, the sun shone upon my face. I feel alive.

(via Twitter)

30 March | Sunday

Day 4

My luggage is only filled with black and white clothes. It was so easy to pack it this time. A few minutes and I'm done. I walk fast but it seemed like I was dragging my feet. I talk so much but it seemed like I don't make sense at all. I am excited to come home. But I am equally scared. I'm going to see you in a while, Lola Mang. But when I see you, it will be a different scenario altogether. I won't feel your warmth anymore. I won't be able to kiss your forehead anymore. I will only see you in that rectangular box, and you will be surrounded with flowers, and not your medicines, nor our pictures anymore. But I shall see you, Lola. I shall see you. I promised you that, remember?

(via Instagram)

31 March | Monday

Day 5

Lola Mang, kape? I will never forget how you always ask if I want coffee not even minding the time of the day. This morning I woke up and I went up to your casket asking, "Lola, kape, gusto mo?" I prepared your coffee and your favorite biscuits from Singapore. I kept one of my promises, Lola. Gusto mo ng imported na handa, di ba? It took me a really long while to take a look at you yesterday. It took me hours of crying before I finally went into this room. I am grateful for family who stayed beside me the whole time eventhough I know my emotions were too much to handle. I stayed with you the whole night. And whenever I feel like talking to you, I'll just come up and talk to you casually. You are so beautiful, Lola. You were smiling back at me. And though I still feel sad from time to time, my heart is filled with memories of your love.

(via Instagram)

1 April | Tuesday

Day 6

Flowers for you, Lola Mang. Yesterday, I thought of adding more flowers all around you. Some are almost withering, and I want you to look extravagant. After all, you were once a beauty queen in your province. Instead of buying arranged ones from the shop, I bought stalks of colourful chrysanthemums. I wanted your flower arrangements to be unique so I arranged them myself. Your guests were looking at me while I was arranging. They said it's beautiful. And that's how special you are, Lola. I arranged those beautiful flowers by myself. You were surrounded by so many flowers. While I was arranging, I kept on talking to you. I kept on reminiscing our memories together especially Flores De Mayo days. I always do that during summer days in Bicol. We offer flowers to Mama Mary while we sing songs. My cousin accompanied me while I re-enact those days. We laughed so hard until I went on my knees and sobbed without end. There's so much memories to remember, Lola Mang. Happy memories that makes me cry everytime. I try to be happy, Lola. But most of the time when I do, tears just fall.

(via Instagram)

2 April | Wednesday

Day 7

Without hesitation, I took the hearse which carried your body on the way to the crematorium. Because as what everybody said, ako ang “padaba” (favorite).

Sad songs were being played while the hearse slowly moves. I was trying so hard to control the tears, by cracking some quick jokes to my cousin who's also beside me at that time. I was even from time to time, looking behind, asking you, “Okay ka lang ba dyan, Lola?” But tears relentlessly fall.

From the funeral homes, we passed by our house – the house that has been a witness to so many of our memories together. Many of our neighbors were outside, and paid some respect.

The journey to the crematorium was by far the shortest I've ever imagined. I never wanted it to end. But I am too selfish to say that. I know you've been too tired, Lola. I kept on looking at the white balloon tied on the hearse's window, while I said, “Tingnan mo naman, Lola, daig mo pa ang presidente sa dami ng escort mo. Hindi humihinto ang sasakyan natin kahit pa ba red light yan.”

They opened your casket for the last time at the crematorium. And, for the last time, nagmano ako sa iyo. While the rest of our relatives did the same, I intensely looked at you, every contour, every curve, every vein from those hands who has taken care of me for the longest time. For the last time, I stroked your soft and gray hair, while I whispered, “Kaya na namin 'to, Lola. Pahinga ka na.”

They took your body and after three hours of waiting, they handed me the marble urn. I saw that they sealed your ashes inside the urn. Your name was beautifully etched in gold. I carried your urn from the crematorium to the columbarium. I even jokingly said, “Finally, Lola, it's my turn to carry you.”

While we were on the road, I thought my emotions were settled until the sudden gush of tears came. I just began to realize, that whenever I would come to Manila, I shall visit you not in our house anymore, but in another place. I won't be able to hug you, nor kiss you, nor exchange stories with you.

The Ascension Columbarium is a nice place – well-lit, well-ventilated, contemporary, class. A good place for you, Lola. We all prayed the rosary and right after, daddy placed your urn inside the small box located at 21- 12B. Quite easy to memorize – my birthdate and my favorite number.

Before we left, I touched the small box with your name on it, while I whispered, “See you again, Lola.”

We all held a white balloon. I said a little prayer, talked to you for a while, told you “Basta sundan mo lang yung liwanag, Lola. Dire-diretso lang.” And I let go of the balloon. A few seconds after, the balloon was already out of my sight.

3 April | Thursday

Day 8

My view since five in the morning. Been looking at the ceiling for more than three hours. There's so many thoughts. And there's no thought. There's so many things to do. And there's nothing to do. There's so much things to say. And there's nothing to say. I need to get up in a few minutes. The morning sun is inviting. I want to walk wherever. I want to go anywhere. I want to get a tattoo. I want to eat whatever. I want to sing. I want to laugh. I have to. I have to.

(via Instagram)

4 April | Friday

Day 9

I keep coming in your room, Lola Mang. I sit there for a while. It feels cold. And yet warm. It's been a week & a day, and I miss you.

(via Twitter)

6 April | Sunday

Day 11

It's been a week and three days, Lola Mang. It all happened so fast yet so slow. I'm finally back in this little city. I brought you with me. James and I prayed for you last night. I woke up today, and I greeted you Good Morning while I looked at your photos I set up on my bedside table. The sudden gush of emotions were lessened. Only happy memories to remember remain. I guess when you live in my heart, you live forever. I love you, Lola.

(via Instagram)

7 April | Monday

Day 12

Finally back to the daily grind. I shouldn't be coming to work yet, but I got to get busy already. First time in the longest time I wore a watch. I've always liked the idea of timelessness, of doing things in my own sweet time. But Lola Mang taught me that time will not always be on our side. I have to make each moment important -- as if it is the only chance I got. Today, I wore the watch I gave Lola Mang a couple of years ago. She must have taken good care of it. It still looks brand new. Whenever I look at this, I smile. Lola Mang always remind me that NOW is always the best time for everything.

(via Instagram)

9 April | Wednesday

Day 14

It's been fourteen days since you left us, Lola Mang. How ironic that when you left, you are ever more present now. You always fill my thoughts when I wake up in the morning. My prayers are filled with you when I sleep at night. My actions now are ever more sensitive to following your life well-lived and aspirations. My lips utter more of our memories shared together.

After a couple of days without tears, I cried again last night with thoughts of you.

I love you, Lola Mang.

I miss you, everyday.

Eulogy to My Most Favorite Lola

1 April 2014
Originally written on a brown paper bag; Unedited

By the window at Prudential Funeral Homes

Manila, Philippines

How does one make a eulogy to her most favorite Lola?

It took me a long while to come into this room. I am certainly not scared, but most likely because, I never really thought this day would come. Akala ko Lola, imortal ka.

You've always been so energetic and strong. Na-amaze ako 'pag nakakayanan mong magbuhat ng isang kabang bigas, o yung mga pasalubong mo sa amin galing Bicol -- alimasag, langka, mangga. Ang lahat ng mga paborito ko. O kung paano mo kami binubuhat ni Juy nang sabay mula sa kuwarto hanggang kusina sa mga araw ng eskuwela.

I am so grateful until today Lola, that we've shared so much memories together. Ako na ang suwerteng apo. Yung mga kaklase ko noong kinder, hatid-sundo ng school bus. Ako, hatid-sundo ng lola. Kumpleto ako lagi ng Simbang Gabi, kasi ako ang lagi mong sinasama. Ang sarap-sarap kumain noon kapag alimasag ang ulam. Sasabihin ko lang noon ang magic words, "Lola, pahimay." Simula pa ng naaalala ko, magkatabi na tayo sa kama hanggang sa makapag-abroad ako. Tapos bago tayo matulog noon, gabi-gabi tayong sabay nagdadasal at ang dami-dami nating pinag-uusapan. Gabi-gabi kitang sinasabihan ng, " Lola, wag ka muna mamamatay ha?" Tapos sasagot ka ng, "Oo, promise, katurog na."

Maraming-maraming beses mo akong pinagtakpan sa mga aminado akong pagkakamali ko noong bata pa ako. Ikaw ang dahan-dahang nagbubukas ng pinto sa mga gabing umuuwi ako ng lasing para hindi ako mapagalitan ni daddy.

Nung nakapagtrabaho ako sa abroad, Lola, tuwang-tuwa ako pag nags-skype tayo, tapos ipapakita ko sa iyo yung paldang tinahi ko para sa sarili ko. Alam kong proud na proud ka sa akin nun. Tuwing nagbabakasyon ako dito, hindi ko nakakalimutang pasalubungan ka. Tapos sasalubungin mo ako ng mahigpit na yakap. Pawi lahat ng lungkot at homesickness ko.

I know you've fought a hard battle, Lola Mang.
Did we win?
Of course, we did!
Kita mo naman Lola, lahat kaming nagmamahal sa iyo, nagsasama-sama, inaalala lahat ng masasayang alaalang kasama ka. Hanggang sa huli Lola, naging strong ka.

Nung nagka-echolalia ka noong October, ako at si Tita Jeanette ang nandun kasama ka sa ospital. The next few days after the ordeal, tinanong kita, "Eh ako, Lola, sino ako?" Tapos sabi mo, with soft and trembling voice, "Ikaw ang paborito kong apo." Nagkatinginan kaming lahat, at sinabi namin sa isa't isa, "Ay, okay na si Lola."

Nung isang buwan na umuwi ako, nung pinakilala ko sa iyo si James, that was by far the most emotional moment in our Manila trip. Finally, you met him. It was an intense and beautiful feeling that the person who has taken care of me since I was young has finally met the person who will hopefully take care of me for the rest of my life. 'Di ba Lola, sabi mo sa kanya with trembling voice, "Please take care of her." Akala mo Lola ibang lahi, napa-ingles ka tuloy.

Two days before kang nawala, nagkausap tayo sa telepono. Wala naman talaga tayong masyadong pinag-usapan, pero hindi ko mabilang kung ilang beses tayong nag- I love you sa isa't isa.

Alam kong gustung-gusto mong lumaban. Your spirits are high. Pero madaya ang pisikal na katawan natin. Alam kong marami ka pang gustong ma-witness na mga mahahalagang pangyayari sa buhay naming lahat. Gusto mong maging present sa lahat ng okasyon. Pero I'm sure Lola Mang, mas maganda ang view dyan. From now on, you will have a better view of us -- Mabilis kang makakakilos... Hindi mo na kailangan ng mag-aakay sa iyo... Hindi ka na hihingalin sa mahabang lakad.

I love you, Lola. Hindi ka na maghihirap. Sa mga panahong naiiyak ako kapag naalala kita, lagi kong sinasabi na nagiging selfish na naman ako. I always mention, "How do I live now, without you, Lola Mang?" imbes na ang sabihin ko, "I am grateful for all the years that I was given the opportunity to live and be taken care by you."

Patuloy at patuloy kang mabubuhay sa puso ko, my favorite Lola Mang.

Life Lessons

I have a colleague turned close friend / second father of nearly six years. It is very seldom to come across a person who has so much dedication with work, who has so much passion about life, whose feet have stayed on the ground even if he has journeyed a lot in his lifetime, who never fails to please everybody around him even at his own expense. I am blessed to have met a person such as this in my lifetime. I am blessed to have met and known Kuya Opet.

His zest for work is incomparable. He has managed foreign workers very well. He hated time wasted. And even though he gets angry at his workers, they loved and respected him for being the professional that he is.

He is one great epitome of a family guy. He regarded his family as his priority. He never failed to provide their needs, and even wants. He ensures that despite work commitments and living life abroad, he wouldn't fail to be present in all his kids' programs, graduations, birthdays and other special events.

He has always been the father figure to me since I've been away from home for so many years. He has taught me so much about life in general. He has always been present and ever supportive in my little triumphs, whether at work or even in personal undertakings. He never failed to reach out to me during the gloomy phases of my life. He will pick me up at home everyday to work. And in return, I would sometimes cook for him his favorite adobo, which he heartily devours. He is one of the few people whom I can talk to with substance -- from politics, to current news and events, to work ethics, to family, to love, to life -- and we never ran out of stories to tell.

I've had so much memories of him that whenever I remember, I laugh so hard until I end up crying. He has so much heart to give to the world, and with that, he has become my life peg.

I have a colleague turned close friend / second father of nearly six years. And last Saturday, he died at the age of 42. Kuya Opet died of liver cirrhosis.

All was shocked about the sudden news -- family, colleagues, friends. Two months ago, he was still the  funny guy who never ran out of jokes, the Project Manager who always rush to get things done fast. But life always tricks us with reasons we don't even understand.

I've never felt a strong paradigm shift in my life until he passed on. Kuya Opet never ceases to teach me life lessons even after he died. He taught me so many things because of his passing.

When we have something to do, we have to do it now.
When we have something to say, we say it now.
When we want to apologize, we apologize now.
When we want to go some place, we better start moving.
When we have dream, we start realizing it now.
When we want change, we should start now.
All because, we won't know if tomorrow will still be given to us.
We live life as if it's our last.

It is in his passing that I have realized that though his life was brief, he has left a legacy that we will forever cherish. His loss created some kind of hole in my heart, that no matter what I do, I would still, from time to time cry for missing him. But at the same time, I am thankful for this hole in my heart that light can pass through it so I may always be enlightened, in everything I say, in everything I do, in every dream that I make come true.

I will forever miss Kuya Opet dearly. And while most of the time I don't understand why life and death has to be like this, I will surely live life with zest, passion and full of hope just like him.

Best Gift

What's the best gift you've ever given to someone? Or the best gift you've given to your partner on the first month of your forever?

Well, aside from love, it can be a couple artwork you've painstakingly done, or poetry written with intense emotions. Or both.

That is priceless.

---

Unang Buwan ng Walang Hanggan

Paano binibigkas ang mga nag-aalab na damdamin?

Paano iindayog sa tugtog ng mapagpalayang pag-ibig?

Paano tiniptipon ang alaalang dala ng bawat umaga?

Paano lalapatan ng himig ang titik na binibigkas ng mga labi?

Tinitipon ang sariling binasag ng kahapon

Inaalam ang mga pangarap na minsan itinapon

Kumakapit sa kakarampot na pag-asa

Na minsang binuwal ng alaala

Bawat araw ay may masidhing paanyaya

Bawat gabi ay may kaakibat na pag-aasam

Na makasama ka

Na makapiling ka

Sa bawat salitang sinasambit

At mga titik na sa tingin lang kumakapit

Sa bawat hakbang

At pagtakbong walang pakialam

Sa bawat ngiti

At bawat hikbi

Hindi kailanman mailalapat sa salita

Ang dala ng simbuyo ng gunita

Sabay tayong gumuhit ng larawan ng bukas

Hulmahin ang bawat pangarap

Maghabi ng hindi malilimutang karanasan

Ikaw at ako hanggang kailanman

Kay tagal kong naghintay

Kaakibat ng poot ng nakaraan

Wari'y hindi ininda ang hapo at pagal

Ngayo'y narito ka na, sinta

Wala na akong hahanapin pa

---

Adieu, 2013

I woke up today with a different kind of happiness. Others may say, it's just another day in another year. But it IS another day, and that puts a gleam in my heart.

2013 has been a memorable year for me. It has been a mentor in insurmountable ways, the paradoxical teacher of learning the best and the worst.

Fragments of events of the year passed came through my mind while I was having my coffee this morning. 2013 has tested my discernment on situations, my physical strength, my ability to love, my capability to endure.

The first quarter of the year brought me to so much questioning in life, in love, in relationships, in my purpose. I was not living the moment as I have become anxious of the past and worrier of the future.

There were major turn of events that has happened in the past year -- failed relationship, test of friendships, loss of self-purpose. Nevertheless, I am thankful that all these brought me to the path to enlightenment and self-gratification. All these have brought me to a realization, that in spite of my heart being broken, it will never get tired of loving and bringing back the zest for life I've always had.

The last quarter of the year was by far, the most memorable. I woke up one day with a certain purpose in life. I began to realize that people will always come and go, and there are people, like true friends, who will choose to stay no matter how incorrigible your battles are. I brought back my confidence. I can stare at the mirror again, and say "I am beautiful." I am beautiful not only because I attract the good things life has continuously offering, but also because, out of billions of people in this world, there is one soul who saw what is really beautiful in me. Finally, I have realized that families will always be that pillar you'll always come back to lean on to. They make all the pain a lot bearable just by thinking they are always there. And, they make your everyday victories more rewarding and fulfilling.

2013 has brought me so much battle scars. And here I am, ever so thankful that I have endured. Whatever the year has made of me, it definitely molded me into the beautiful person that I am now. I can't wait for better things to come.

Adieu, 2013.
Hello, 2014. I am ready.

Giving in the Midst of Emptiness

I have been going through a lot of emotional turmoil lately. However, I am amazed at how I could extend help in spite and despite of my brokenness.

When typhoon Yolanda hit the central part of the Philippines, looking through all social networking sites was heartbreaking and devastating. The whole world has been talking about it. Friends and friends of friends expressed how we should help for the country.

And on that night, a few days ago, while lying down comfortably on my bed, I just couldn't take the fact that in spite of emptiness I feel inside, I am more blessed compared to the worries of the world. I had to be strong for my country. I had to be strong for the needs of the world. I had to put down my own worries that seemed too little compared to what is happening.

When I came to work the following day, I informed colleagues of the situation of the Philippines and sent a mass email of the initiative that I've thought of. Aside from asking them for old clothes to be sent to the Philippines, I informed them that I will be baking cupcakes for 2 days to sell to them, and all proceeds will be given to Philippine National Red Cross.

I was overwhelmed by the response and generosity of my colleagues. I've been baking cupcakes for them for free whenever I want to, and I bring it to work on a Monday just to fight the blues at the start of the week. But this time, I sold the cupcakes for $2 each. I was only expecting pledges amounting to around $100 but when I counted the money, it's more than double of what I am expecting. I shouldn't really be underestimating the goodness in people.

There have been meetings and events left and right for me so I really never had the chance to monitor the response. I just placed the cupcakes on the table with a container for the money to be placed. The whole initiative was based on honesty policy. Looking back, I actually liked the idea. The money we have put up was more than enough!

There were colleagues who just like eating cupcakes, so they bought. But little did they know that it was a win-win situation. While they enjoy the goodness of cupcakes, they are also helping people who are suffering in the Philippines. And there were mostly colleagues too, who doesn't have sweet tooth, never took even one cupcake, but placed their pledges into that container.

Later today, I will be sending the money to Philippine National Red Cross. It may not be much from the pledges others have made all over the world. But I believe that a little help is better than nothing.

I look at the heavens today with a different kind of gleam in my heart. In the last few days, I have underestimated myself too. I knew that I have channelled my attention, love, and care to unnecessary and unworthy people, things, and experiences. Little did I know that I can only find happiness within.

Today I am even more grateful to the Universe. Yolanda survivors may thank me for the little help that I did. But honestly, I should be thankful that this initiative has taught me so many things on the realization of my self-worth. I am starting to love myself more.