28 October Thoughts

I remember what you said; You said you’ll never leave me.

Sometimes I feel so all alone.

Lord, I know I’m just a man.

It’s been almost half a day, and this song is still on repeat.

The more it continues to play, the deeper it goes through every tissue of me.

It’s been two days since that unforgettable bus experience. Most of the time, I forget. But today, I remembered, and it’s even more real now when my thoughts go through it.

There’s so much things to say, yet I uttered none. 

The more I wanted to forget, all the more I remember.

The more I wanted to be cleansed, the more I feel filthier.

I feel so bad for being weak.

I shouldn’t have trusted the world, but myself.

It’s all real, and yet I feel fake.

This indescribable feeling may take time.

When wounds are unseen, it takes even more time to heal.

I catch myself staring blankly, looking out, looking far.

Thinking, but not thinking at all.

I should be attuned to the own beating of my heart.

That’s the only sign I get that I am still alive.

The Case of the Missing Red Velvet Cupcake

It's been more than twenty four hours, and yet, it still gives me a heartbreak everytime I remember that somebody took my red velvet cupcake. To you, this might just be a little issue and you'd just shrug it off.

Let me tell you something. I am not a selfish person by nature. But let me explain to you why I feel this way and why is there such a need to even blog about this.

On the eve of welcoming my 31st birthday, I blew candles on my cupcakes that my boyfriend gave me. I ate one of it and thought exactly how I am supposed to eat the rest of it -- red velvet will be last. As they say, save the best for last.

However, last night when I came home from the office, tired and feeling so much pain from monthly cramps, I thought a red velvet cupcake might do some magic. When I opened the box, two cupcakes were missing. The caramel flavor and the red velvet. The boyfriend said he ate the caramel. And yes. The red velvet cupcake that should have been eaten last, or eaten in emergency cases like this, was lost.

I told the boyfriend about it, but instead of agonizing with me, or even consoling me with the loss of the red velvet cupcake, he got pissed and just told me he'll buy another box of cupcakes.

But no matter how many boxes of cupcakes he buy, he can't replace my birthday cupcakes -- the first ever cupcakes he gave me, the cupcakes I blew candles on the eve of my 31st birthday, the cupcakes that opened doors to more suprises.

I am not really sefish by nature. I am just sentimental. And to me, those are not just cupcakes. Those are my 31st birthday cupcakes.

And nobody understands.

Thirty One

I am apparently still in a daze from welcoming a new lease at life. While I am writing this, I am still nursing a bad hangover, and my burp still smells of Baileys.

I keep on remembering fragments of what has happened in the last few hours, and for so many years, this has been, the first time in the longest time that I smile a genuine smile. It's actually not the kind of happiness that creates a boisterous laughter, but the kind of happiness that is igniting from within.

I clearly remember what I wrote a year ago, a few days before my birthday.

"If I'd have birthday candles to blow,

I'd wish for genuine love

That would flourish and grow."

Exactly a year later, my life is just surrounded with so much love, the kind of love that has no pretensions, the kind of love that would prod me to love myself more. There is definitely no place I'd rather be. The Universe sure gives me overflowing love.

I don't think I'd ever have birthday blues again. Families (both by blood and by heart) assured and re-assured that I am loved. James, among many people, has made monumental efforts to make me feel special too. He woke me up on the eve of my birthday to blow my birthday candles. He even surprised me with a dress from a spanish brand I really like. He made sure I'd have the most memorable birthday party ever. And he even booked us a Hong Kong trip for this weekend!

What it feels to be thirty one? I guess there's lesser drama, because people around me exude a happy vibe which is really contagious. I've also learned the value and importance of people in my life. Some have stayed because I know that the kind of relationship we've shared are honest and transparent. While some have gone away because they've only taught me lessons that would make a better me.

Here's to hoping that I'd live a life like how I've celebrated my "Boodle Fight" Birthday Party yesterday -- carefree, intimate, fearless, fun.

This is my 31-year old self prior to the commencement of the "fight."

On Dying

"Have you ever felt that feeling that you might be dying anytime soon?"
He asked.

I said yes, so many times.

I always have that feeling of maybe-I'm-about-to-die-soon most especially on moments I am at my happiest, or at my content state -- on moments when suddenly, out of so many hurdles and challenges that's been coming my way, suddenly comes a plateau.

I've had a realization, that in a way, figuratively, is true. There is really a part of us that dies, because there is a part of us that is into birthing.

When a part of us dies, a part of us is born.
Then arrives better version of us.

We're not Lucky, We're Blessed

We're not lucky, we're blessed.

That's what he said when I kept recalling all the events that have been happening to both of us recently.

Last weekend, I had to sleep in the living room, lying down on a foam that doesn't seem to give comfort at all. It was Argentina - Germany championship, and all I had was an old 24" television, when I could have watched on my 42" 3D LED television my boyfriend has given me.

As I turned off the living room lights, waiting for the championship game in that little box, I smiled. I smiled a genuine smile, that even my heart could not contain. I truly immersed myself with this present feeling, because I know, one day, I shall look back at this moment, when I am already lying down at the comfort of my Tempur king size bed (even if I am unsure if that day will come), and tell myself, that I have been so much blessed to experience such kind of life. I may be immensely grateful.

Sometimes, the Universe has to give us lessons in the most unconventional manner. Sacrifices seem to be more bearable when we know that there will surely be something better that will come out of all these.

Life, after all, has been so good to me. I am not just lucky. I am blessed.

Life Lessons: Not Meant to Be

A colleague told me the story of how she lost her new China-made phone. It was not literally lost, but it's not working anymore.

She went rushing to the toilet to pass urine and her phone was inside her pocket. When she stood up and about to flush, she heard a sound of something that dropped into the bowl. It was her phone. It was her China-made phone. It fell off because her pocket was was too shallow for the big phone.

To her surprise, she picked it up, trying to save it, wishing it could be saved. It's been a week and the phone is inside a rice container, as some friend told her that it might help to get back to its good working condition. She is, until now, hoping.

Same goes with life, I guess. We all rush into hasty decisions, without even knowing the repercussions. We try to fit in some things that doesn't have any space in our lives. We try to fit into other people's lives who doesn't seem to be welcoming at all. Not even meant to be.

And yet, at the end of it all, we hope. We hope that that one day will come -- that day when everything we hoped for will finally fall into place.

Half-Year Mark

Dear Love,

We have just hurdled a big challenge in our relationship. I know this may be little from the bigger challenges we may be meeting along in our journey. We've only reached our half-year mark, and yet I know in my heart that we've endured a lot and we've become stronger, ever ready to overcome more.

Love, the more you open up yourself to me, the more you slowly take away the surface of your soul, the more I realize how much more there is to know, and accept, and love about you.

You may have thought that our meeting was the most unconventional and the most awkward to tell. But for me, I believe that our meeting was the most perfect time for us. Both of us were wounded, scared, and dazed. And yet when we met, I have realized that there was more of me to become. I've began to dream real dreams. I've began to do things with purpose. I've began to set beautiful goals I have never thought I would want to have. I have become fearless of what seemed to be a horrifying world.

Everyday has always been beautiful and memorable -- 
whether we are sharing the most intimate night at a fine dining restaurant or having dried fish and eggs for breakfast in our pajamas; 
whether we're sipping a first grade Sauvignon with a view of Clarke Quay city skyline or drinking a $20 wine on a plastic cup at a park;
whether we're watching a movie premiere on a couple seat with hotdogs and popcorn, or watching Monsters University for the Nth time at home while having some greasy chips;
whether we're lying down side by side watching the Phuket sunset while sipping our ice-cold Chang, or walking home from work, holding hands, while we admire how the night steals the day;
and the list goes on.

I am ever so thankful to the Universe for the gift of YOU. You have made life so beautiful. You have made me beautiful. I must have done something so good to deserve all these. And you are the gift that I would want to love, nurture, and cherish for as long as I am able to.

Like all relationships, ours may not be perfect as well. When we are faced with arguments, let us have arguments that both of us will win. Let's have arguments that are only for argument's sake. Let's have arguments that will make the better US. Let's have arguments with respect and never takes out each other's dignity. Let's choose the best argument.

And yet we love. I love loving you. I love how you express your love to me. I love your ways. I love our ways. I love the things we say and do for each other to express this feeling. There's too much love for you in this lifetime, love. This escalating ecstasy is beyond comprehension.