Mono No Aware

Wikipedia simply defines it as “the pathos of things” or “the awareness of the transience of things.”

Motoori Norinaga (1730-1801), a literary and linguistic scholar, clearly explains the concept of mono no aware. “Mono” means things. And “aware” means sensitivity. It is simply the aesthetic empathy of things and feelings; deep impressions produced by small things; sympathetic sadness; an intense, nostalgic sadness, connected with autumn and the vanishing away of the world; a serene acceptance of a transient world; a gentle pleasure found in mundane pursuits soon to vanish. He said it is the central aesthetic concept of Japan even up to this modern day period. Mono no aware is a unique culture known to Japanese, the capacity to experience the objective world in a direct and unmediated fashion, to understand sympathetically the objects and the natural world around one without resorting to language or other mediators. The Japanese could understand the world directly in identifying themselves with that world.

In his popular novel, Musashi, the story of Japan’s best-known swordsman, Yoshikawa Eiji writes describes mono no aware from the warrior’s perspective: In the case of the samurai there is such a thing as an appreciation of the poignancy of things… a real samurai, a genuine swordsman has a compassionate heart, he understands the poignancy of life.

I have always been hooked to Japanese culture, literature and aesthetics. They have mainly accepted that sadness is an essential ingredient of life. And maybe this is sort of co-related with Thomas Jefferson’s Pursuit of Happiness, that it is an unalienable Right as a kind of denial of the rightful place of sadness in human experience—that in pursuing happiness we are simultaneously fleeing sadness. (I needed to watch that film. My sister said it is good.)

My dear friend Min sent me this picture. Sakura blossomed already, and every year she sees them, she’s always reminded of me. I loved sakura blossoms the way I see them in pictures. Everything is all in pink. And if ever I’d be going to Japan, I’ll make it a point to go during this time of the year, so that I could see and feel sakura blossoms first hand.

Why does everybody loves sakura? I, for one would be willing to die just to get a glimpse of Sakura blossoms. In pictures, it looked more than breathtaking, and whimsical, what more if they are right in front of me?

The nicest thing about these blossoms is that they are fugacious. They will be in full bloom for one week or so, and then suddenly fades away. Just like our fleeting lives. The more we embrace “mono no aware,” the more we make our lives fulfilling and more meaningful.

That’s the way I live my life, I always make every move into full bloom. By the time I pass in this transitory world, people will always remember that person who blossomed well (and made the world pink) in her living years.

Christmas Hang Over

This was written few weeks ago. Started just before Christmas day, but everytime I had the chance to post, I dont know what stops me. Maybe now, I am ready. :)

Questions and Answers:

What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Live and work in this country far from family and loved ones. Cook my own food. Wash my own clothes. Tidy up things and clean up my bed.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I barely can remember my new year’s resolutions. but maybe, I was able to keep them in one way or another.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
yup. Dami ko na inaanak!

Did anyone close to you die?
not that close. But yes.

What countries did you visit?
China! Oh, what a long visit…

What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Direction. More responsibility. Peace of Mind. Calmness of heart.

What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Days before I left Philippines. One moving experience for me. One big leap. Saying goodbye to my old routine and familiar faces and just waking up in a new world has been a roller coaster ride.

My first ever Disneyland day!  it’s every child’s dream you know…

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Work and live on my own.  Added to that, in a foreign land.

And I was able to give my sister the opportunity to ride her first plane, to set foot in a foreign land, and see Mickey and Minnie Mouse live!

A successful Toy Show/Exhibit in Hong Kong last October. I’ve got so many projects that were showcased. 

What was your biggest failure?


Did you suffer illness or injury?
had a black eye because it was hit by something.

What was the best thing you bought?
I bought myself a mobile phone from my own hardship and perspiration.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Me. 

and my good friend pau chavez.  di ko man siya napanood sa Philippine idol, and I felt sorry she was voted out, I’m still so proud of her. I remember kinantahan niya pa lang ako last year nung birthday ko sa Panay Kalipay, ngayon, star na siya.  Pau, I am so proud of you.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?


Where did most of your money go?
Family, travel, and savings for the FUTURE 

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
February is nearly is coming  Finally, I’ll be able to breathe manila pollution again.

What song(s) will always remind you of 2006?


Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Must be happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? FATTER!
iii. richer or poorer? FATTER! Ahahaha!

What do you wish you'd done more?
Focus. Sense of Purpose.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
staying up too late. buying things that are unnecessary.

How many one-night stands?
nada.

What was your favorite TV program?
oh I so miss pinoy teleserye! And pinoy big brother!

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yes. But I had to let go of the feeling very soon. This is bad.

What was the best book you read?
Have read a lot of books this 2006. Number one pa din ang itim na aklat ni Bob Ong.

What was your greatest musical discovery?


What did you want and get?
inner sense of happiness.

What was your favorite film of this year?
Sorry haven’t watched films lately. But I’ve seen a great Japanese film on DVD, entitled, “Shinobi.” And Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

And oh, I love trans-america.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I celebrated my 23rd birthday at Bao Li Hotel, here in China, with my new found family. I had a dimsum and dumplings party, with orange custard and I blew an orange cake! Haven’t done that for years!

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More places to go to.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
well, have experienced winter…  this summer-lovin’ gal has finally loved wearing boots and scarves. :P

What kept you sane?
My oh-so-very-good friend, MIN. 

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?


What political issue stirred you the most?
same old GMA and corruption issues

Who did you miss?
Everyone and everything I left back in the Philippines.

Who was the best new person you met?
I’ve met a lot of people this year. But I can say that the family I’ve known here are the best people in 2006.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
I’ve learned it the hard way.

“nobody REALLY has anybody”

and that LOVE is actually a BIG word.

What was the nicest thing someone told you about yourself:
I’ve matured a lot.

The most touching experience you've had this year?
Watching fireworks display with a special person in Disneyland while all the Disney songs were being played.

What did you like most about yourself this year?
I’m becoming more independent and responsible each passing day.

What did you hate most about yourself this year?
too crybaby.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:


Was 2006 a good year for you?
yeah, I think so.

What was your favorite moment of the year?
Too special to tell you dear reader.

What was your least favorite moment of the year?


Where were you when 2006 began?
in the Philippines.

Who were you with?
At home with my family. Lighting up fireworks with my sisters and cousins.

Where will you be when 2006 ends?
We plan to have a New year’s countdown in Hongkong. And be at World Carnival.

Who will you be with when 2006 ends?
with my new found family. 

Do you have a new years resolution for 2007?
be a better person. With more purpose. And more direction.

What was your favorite month of 2005?
late October and early November.

Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?


Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Everyone I left back home.

What was your favorite record from 2006?


How many concerts did you see in 2006?
none.

Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2006?
Yeah. Too much.

Do a lot of drugs in 2005?
no.

You do anything you are ashamed of this year?
yeah.

How much money did you spend in 2006?
I don’t want to know.

What was your proudest moment of 2006?
When I’ve finally decided to work and live on my own.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2006?


If you could go back in time to any moment of 2006 and change something, what would it be?
I should have been a good person.

What are your plans for 2007?
work really hard. And save.

How are you different now that the year has ended?
I may say that for a few months I have stayed in here in China, I have changed a lot. I’ve had so many realizations and re-learnings and re-discoveries that happens to be necessary on my journey.

What are your wishes for the new year?
Good health for me and my family and loved ones.
More opportunities to be able to make a mark in the world.
Love. And inner peace.


Christmas 2006

Maligayang Pasko.
Maligaya ang Pasko.

No simbang gabi.
No caroling.
No puto bumbong.
No bibingka.
No Christmas Tree.
No Kare kare.
No lechon.
No family.
No relatives.
No friends & loved ones.
No scent of Filipino Christmas.

This was my first ever. Yes, my dear reader, this is my first Christmas far different from all Christmases I’ve spent for 22 years of my life. This was my first time to celebrate Christmas away from my home, my family and loved ones. This was my first time to celebrate with my new found family here in China. This was my first winter Christmas.

I’ve had mixed emotions. I’ve felt excitement and happiness and eagerness to spend Christmas in a foreign land, with people I’ve only known for a few months but have made my life here in China worthwhile and fulfilling. On the 24th, I couldn’t count how many times I cried, or how many minutes every crying moment have lasted, some of them, with audiences, most of them, without. Yes, this is what they call, Christmas blues. I’ve realized it wasn’t really a nice feeling at all. But still Christmas has to pass. And it has to be a memorable one.

Just before lunch time, Karla and I went off to the grocery to buy ingredients for our share for “Noche Buena.” Then we cooked and prepared. It was almost 12 midnight when we finished. And finally, Noche Buena with my new family has begun. I prepared kaldereta, fried chicken, and coffee jelly for dessert. Others have prepared spaghetti, binagoongan, crispy pata, chopsuey, macaroni salad…and the list goes on… The table was so full of all these dishes we used to prepare during Christmas in the Philippines. It was a sumptuous Noche Buena. And then it was followed by our kris kringle. It was a whole lot of fun. I got the name, “Push the button to eject teacher,” which I knew eventually was Hera. The ceiling for our gifts is 100RMB (roughly about Php 600+). Whoever she was, I thought, I need to give something that would make her Christmas memorable. I started on with a speech before finally giving Hera the gift.

I know you really would want to know what I gave her. To readers below 18, beep beep. I bought her a vibrator. (A friend, after telling the story, told me in exact words, “it’s nice you encourage exploration”) yes. exploration. haha.

Malen picked my name. The whole time that she was telling me how funny the name of whom she has picked, she didn’t know it was me. Who would have thought I will choose a name as funny as “LUNINGNING?” Funny as it may seem, I have reasons.

I can say it was a memorable Christmas-- a Christmas I am lucky enough to celebrate and feel, and experience. Next year, I don’t know where I would be celebrating Christmas, but for sure, like all Christmases I’ve had and will be having; I have to make sure it should be a memorable one.


A happy JOKE

When you’re feeling low wherever you go,
In your purse is a curse that I bestow.

Hold it right.
Squeeze it tight and hear the laughter break;
It is “I” with my hand that your shoulder I take.

For in this time when you feel
There’s no where else to go,
Silently I pray for you
I laugh with you….

Never again to be blue.

I received this. My first ever and only Christmas gift that I have received across the miles. Not from my family, but from a very good friend. I don’t usually talk about her in most of my entries. Not just because I don’t want to share her with just anybody, but simply because of the thought that, “if I write something about her, it should be something more than the ordinary…” But hey, I caught myself writing about her now. Maybe I just couldn’t contain how happy I am having her.

Min is a friend of more than five years. She has always been my solace, always makes me feel special… always keeps me sane. She just knows the right things to say, the perfect moments to say or do things. We talk about almost everything in this world. She taught me about life’s cruelties and subtleties.

We’ve shared a lot of experiences. We’ve been to a lot of places. We’ve been to a lot of restaurants. We’ve taken almost every minute of our extra time to talk and talk and talk. We’ve used up a lot of tissues for our unending crying moments. We’ve laughed our hearts out to many jokes.

We’ve stayed in the Philippines. She left for Japan. I was still in the Philippines then. She came back to the Philippines. I left for China. She came back to Japan. I have proven with our friendship that distance will never ever be a hindrance to a strong relationship.

I have faith that we will see each other soon. And be able to do the things we’ve used and loved to do.
I love my friend so much. And if there would be only one friend left, I would want it to be her. Just her. And I am safe.

to love is to love...is to love...is to bleed?

He said...

...

Tonight will be the last night ...

The last night I will relive our last time together.

Tonight will be the last night that I beg God to send you back to me...

The last night that I will criticize myself for not being what you wanted.

Tonight will be the last night that I wonder how you are...
what you are doing and who you are with....
The last night I will torment myself of thoughts of you in another's arms.

Tonight will be the last night I wonder why you are unable to love me...
The last night that I will think of myself as 'unlovable.'

Tonight will be the last time I cry like a wounded animal till I fall asleep...
The last night that I toss and turn with thoughts of you.

Tonight I will free myself of you...
You who turned and walked away without so much as a glance.

Tonight I let you go....

...

She said...

...

You are one of those books I joyfully picked

And wholeheartedly read…

One of those books I liked and chose to love.

One of the best books ever written.

But like all books, they’d all come to its last page.

The story would have its last chapter,

And would finally be put into a shelf.

Secured. Well kept.

Nevertheless, I’d soon catch myself reading the same old story again.

And have glimpses of the very first time I turned its first page.

I’d never forget how good the story was.

I may have read a lot of books—

Books that are of better story than yours.

I may be reading more books along the journey.

I may like it. I may not.

I don’t know.

But there’s this one thing I want you to take heart.

You were one story I liked…

And chose to love.

Incomparable with the others.

Unique. Extraordinary. Breathtaking.

I hope you’d find a very good book along your journey, too.

Be brave enough to know what’s behind the last page,

Just as you were when you were flipping the very first page.

In that way, whether you liked and loved what you’ve read,

Keep in mind that there has to be another good book at hand—

Waiting to be discovered and read.

Every book has its own story.

That, I’ve tried and proven.

Ours is one very good book--

That I’ve found interesting.

And intriguing.

Always be kept in the shelves of my heart.

Bonding Moment

One of the few things that makes me move on with ease...

The Strawberry on top

While I was asking approval for my winter designs from my boss, he told me these exact words, “Ha, this is the ice cream already, but I needed the strawberry on top.” From there, I knew what he was really asking from me. So I came back with my revised designs saying to myself that I’ve added the strawberry on top already. And it was finally approved.

I rarely see an ice cream that has strawberry on top. Most often, I see cherries. Red cherries. All my life I’ve been idealistic, positive with whatever happens and comes my way. But this is one of those phases I find it dragging. And melancholic.

I always say my world is an oyster. My life is your favorite ice cream flavor. And just like any other ice cream, I needed to put the most important part of the ice cream. The strawberry on top. Or maybe cherries. Whichever comes first. And tastes better.

Black Eye and everything that goes with it

Two days ago, I got a black eye. No, I did not put up a fight just like other people say when they have a black eye. I just hit myself with something. Surprisingly, it hit my left eye. So until now, I still have to cover it up with concealer and wear my eyeglasses. In a way, people won't recognize I have a swollen black eye. Last Saturday, Janice (my colleague-friend) cried just before we went off for work. She was shouted at by our boss. Knowing Janice, born under the zodiac sign of virgo, is just like me, wasn't able to contain the feeling and eventually poured it out. I cannot blame her for crying, especially when you know that you shouldn't have shouted at because it was not your fault at all. I did not take sides. Even when other colleagues tell that we should not show those kinds of feelings especially with work, I could not blame Janice for letting them see how she really feels. Both have a point. Actually we all do. And we have a right for our own opinions, which is actually based on the life that has been and being laid down to us.

I admit. I cry for many reasons. Sometimes, I cry for very lame reasons. Friends often find me weird for crying because of rainbows, or because of sunsets, or because of the rain. Maybe I then realized, I cry because I am awed, and wondered by the sight and magic I see in God's beautiful creation. I find magic in them. And I cry.

I cry on situations when I need to let go, may it be anyone or anything. I find it hard to let go of the things that's been so important to me, played a role into my own becoming. I kept letters since my grade school years, wilted flowers that were presents from people close to my heart, chocolate and candy wrappers, tissues from restos and bars, receipts, etc. etc. Yes, I am basurera. And I don't want to let go of them, just yet. I might cry.

I haven't mastered letting go of people too. I remembered my first ever major letting go experience. It happened when I was at a very young age of twelve. When I was in grade six, she was my favorite teacher, which eventually became a godmother on my confirmation, but wasn't able to attend because she left for New Zealand before my confirmation. I clearly remember how hard I cried during that time. I felt I will never see her again. And it was followed by more letting go experiences. During that year, I had three, close friends leaving for Canada and other parts of the world, one after the other. It has been hard for me to cope up, and continue with life. I thought then, that all these people close to me would eventually go and leave, and find a life that's far different from mine. And yes, I cry.

I cry for personal problems. I cry for family problems. I cry for my country. I cry for the people that are victims of tragedies, calamites, and war. I cry for people close to me that's hurting, that's in pain. I cry too, for love--that I can love... that I have loved... that I’m in love... that I am loved... that I am unloved... that I am loveless.. that I may be loved...

I'm almost five months here in China, trying out to what I hoped to be a greener pasture. The future is vague from where I stand now, but I am excited and more hopeful to what and where God wanted me to be. And until now, I cry, for more reasons than when I left the Philippines.

I cry because I realized it's very hard to wash my own clothes, and I wonder how hardworking my mom is for washing all our clothes for more than twenty years.

I cry because I cannot eat now the food that my mom prepares that I have often taken for granted way back home.

I cry because I cook my own food now, whether it tastes good or not, I just have to eat to survive.

I cry because I am missing a good sleep. I miss my bed and my dream catcher.

I cry because I miss my family. I miss Hannah too. I miss the things I used to do, having coffee on mornings with my mom at the garage, putting up Hannah's swing and just take photos while she perfects riding and making her swing move.

I miss our Sunday barbeque party. My aunts and cousins would come over to our place and we would have inihaw na liempo, grilled fish, and talong for lunch.

I cry because I miss my friends. I miss Friday night outs at Café Agogo, or Xaymaca, or Nine Ball, or Starbucks with friends at work or with college friends.

I cry because I miss the places I used to hang out to. Coffee Indulgence, I soo miss you.

I cry because I am seldom hugged now than before. Ratio then for my hugs is averagely 10 hugs: 1 day, while now, its 1 hug: 3 months. I really needed more hugs when I get back home just to make up for the hugs I missed while I was here.

I cry for an uncertain future.

I cry because I am missing a life of dilly dallying I left in the Philippines.

I cry because I was exposed early into the real cruel world. I cry because I know, life moves so fast. I could not make it stop. Or even just make it slow. People I left in the Philippines are moving in different directions as much as I do. And I know, and I am preparing, that one day, we will never be close as much as we were before, just when I left the Philippines.

I cry more often now, whether with audience or without. But the difference in crying now is that I am also the one who comforts and gives courage to my own weeping self.

It's funny how painful it was to be hit by something in the eye and get a black eye. But it's funnier to know that I did not shed even a single tear because of this.

But still, I cry for infinite reasons. And I never get tired of comforting myself after.

A whole week without sleep. Sigh.

Finally, the Hong Kong toy show is about to unfold—meaning, sleepless nights will have a ceasefire for the meantime. Yes!

I’ve been daring to write since before my birthday. But have got no time. At all. I thought then that instead of sitting in front of the computer, chat with friends, and write an entry, I should just do my laundry and clean our room. (I realized that every person’s needs has its own hierarchy too. And chatting and writing just comes second on my list now.)

Guess what readers, I’ve got a long birthday celebration I’m sure you’d be jealous of! I’ve never had a birthday celebration as special as this before.

I can still vividly remember last year, just about a few days before my birthday. I wrote an entry about hibernation. I always feel that way every year. I fear of birthdays. Of growing and getting old. And even if I said I’ve learned what it is to grow old, I still couldn’t swallow how bitter (or sweet) it is to add years to life. My friend always comforts me, always telling me, that maybe, I am like this because I have never been used to be treated special. Ever since, I’ve always wanted to treat people I love special, and not the other way around. Maybe it’s true that I feel awkward. I feel odd.

I finally realized how smart God is. Pinaghibernate niya nga ako. J This is my first birthday ever without my family, my relatives, and my closest friends. All I have is a family that I’ve known just for almost four months ago. And still, I wanted to hibernate. I’ve got no plans at all but days have been dragging fast I could not pull it back. So I had to accept, that yes, my birthday is coming.

Pre-birthday Celebration

Every 15^th, the birthday celebrants of the month will blow their very own 3-layered birthday cake. Comes with it is an ampao with money inside, of course. I thought then, that it was the first time I will be having a 3-layered cake, much more to blow candles on it. I barely can remember the last time I blew candles on my birthday cake. It was amazing. This kind of pre-birthday celebration was new to me. So I had a little excitement on my coming birthday, but still, the thought of hibernating is still in consideration.

September 21

I had a countdown on my birthday. I did it alone in the room, which I used to do every year. On the eve of my birthday, I sang a birthday song to myself, and cried. I am happy that I will be celebrating my birthday in a foreign land. But sad, I am far from loved ones. I’ve learned now how to silently cry, without an audience, without someone patting my back, without someone hugging me. I cry and at the same time, I comfort myself after. I was able to look forward to a new experience of celebrating a birthday, far from what I used to have for 22 years.

I celebrated at Bao Li Hotel. We had dim sum and dumplings. I had an orange cake and orange custard cakes. I’ve got birthday presents too! I’ve got an orange bouquet of roses from my friends and got a long stem rose with chocolates from Zhang Hui (our Chinese guy friend). They sang 3 Happy birthday songs in 3 different languages. Would there be anyone luckier than me? From happy birthday to you, to Sheng ri kuai Le, to Maligayang Bati. Looking at my lighted cake, I wished. And I blew my candles on my orange cake. I slept with a thought that it’s not really bad not to hibernate on birthdays. It’s not bad to feel I am special from time to time. I slept with a beaming heart.

Post-birthday Celebration

Last September 30, Chris, Gigi, and MJ went to Hong Kong to see me, and have a post birthday celebration. The Hong Kong trip was my birthday gift to my sister too (Her birthday is on Sept.18). A lot of things have happened during the Hong Kong trip. But looking back, it really was an experience to reminisce, over and over again. I am happy that I was able to spend three days with few of the special people in my life.

We went to a lot of places. I was able to let them see the beauty in Hong Kong. Our first night was spent for a late night dinner around tsim sha tsui in one of the Chinese restaurants that’s still open at past 12 midnight. We should have spent dinner at Avenue of the Stars. But because, it is already late, we opt to change plans.

The following day is Disneyland Day! Everything I thought that would only be dream is not a dream anymore. All of this happened when I’m all awake. Who would have thought na ang batang “Star City” ay nakarating na sa Hong Kong Disneyland? So ano ngayon kung hindi pa ako nakakapunta sa Enchanted Kingdom?

Moments of tears were countless. Just before the entrance I started crying already. And from time to time, there trickled down the salty waters of mixed emotions.

I cried—mainly for two reasons. One, Disneyland for me is every child’s dream. Since the day I probably can remember things, I dreamed of going to Disneyland, and have a picture with Mickey and Minnie mouse. I remember the first cartoon character that I’ve perfected drawing. It was Mickey Mouse that I’ve copied from a plastic coin bank that me and my sister used to fill with “mamera.” So just before the entrance of the Hong Kong Disneyland, I already burst into tears. I have never realized that a dream way back in childhood years would finally come into reality.

Second, I came to Disneyland with a few of the most important people in my life. Taking them to Hong Kong brings a fulfillment and a sense of happiness to me that no one can ever replace. I remember my conversation with my sister when we were still kids. We used to take a look at photographs in the magazines that are shot in Disneyland all over the world. We used to look at friends’ pictures from Disneyland. We both dreamed of this. And I’m happy, I made it happen.

Everything was like a dream to me. A waking dream. A dream that I only want to last. But some (or most) of the good things never really last. I just hold on to one truth—at least, I have memories to reminisce and cherish. And a hope that one day, it will happen again. And that’s what’s important.