Losing Balance

He took as much photos as he could.
He took as much photos of us as he could.
He looked around and snapped in all angles, as if wanting to encapsulate all those memories he's had over the years.

He pressed my hand, hugged tightly.
We exchanged our last glances, as my throat slowly becomes painful.
I looked up, breathed in as much air as I could, and looked away.

At the Changi Airport Terminal 3, Departure Area,
sending off our Kuya Mark to share to the world.

Tonight was the night, the Kuya I once never had, finally left to follow his heart's desires.
Tonight was the night, our Kuya Mark left.

We were such a good team.
The three of us, James, me, and our Kuya Mark.

James would always bully me, and Kuya Mark always rescues me.
Kuya Mark would crave for some blueberry pancakes or scones, and we would look forward to the weekend so we could bring him the ones that I cooked and baked.
Kuya Mark would give James stuff that he likes, even those that were gifts from people.
Kuya Mark would willingly give me all the bacon in his plate, and he won't feel bad at all.
We would go to picnics, cycle at parks, eat at posh restaurants, eat at hawker centres, eat chips in the middle of the night, watch movies, watch sappy movies, watch tagalog movies, swim together, grill barbecue, laugh at each other, laugh at other people.

We were such a good team.
We've never lost our balance until today.

I looked at James tonight and said, "Paano na yan, tayo na lang."

I was not really good in handling goodbyes, especially the sudden ones. Nobody has prepared me for this, and there will never be getting used to.

And while we pray that our Kuya Mark will start to smile genuine smiles, and laugh ceaselessly until his stomach aches, James and I pray for that day that somehow, we'd finally find balance in this lost equilibrium.

September Thoughts

In a few days, I will be celebrating my 32nd birthday. Yes, I sent that to the Universe because I guess maturity teaches us to accept the things that we are uncontrollable of. Like age.

In a few days, I will be having the grandest adventure with Mr. G. It's going to be the grandest adventure YET to be written.

The days have been different.
The struggles are becoming more and more difficult.
The responsibilities are getting more and more arduous.
Life is becoming more and more real.

And yet,
The sun shines brighter by the day.
The moon becomes even more impeccable by the night.
The everyday blessings become more evident.
Life is becoming more and more relevant.

I guess, I have already learned how to dance with everyday. Maybe this is not yet the big chunk of it, but I think, tomorrow's something to look forward to. Tomorrow's something to wake up to.

I've seen how beautiful love is. But now, I've seen how ugly love is too. And yet, there's so much charm in those ugliness. Embracing it even makes love more and more beautiful.

I am getting used to the idea of having somebody to confide with everything, somebody to share life's little victories, somebody to share life's unbreakable walls -- to fight over petty things, and at the same time have ambitious dreams together.

One morning, he was too ecstatic for narrating his dream. He said he was happily playing with a beautiful little girl, our little girl. The little girl was playful and kept on running around, and he kept on being too overprotective, following her wherever she goes. After he finished narrating his dream, he told me, "it felt so real."

I am unsure of what's going to happen today, or tomorrow. I've never had a concrete life plan, until today. But I'm only sure of one thing.

I could marry this guy.

#Clingy

Hashtag Clingy.

Young people of today use that as part of their everyday language. Why are people of today so clingy with everyone and everything that at times it doesn't make sense anymore.

What has ever happened to our personal independence?

My phone suddenly gave up on me today. My alarm didn't wake me up. I couldn't check my calendar on my daily schedule and meetings. I lost communication to family and friends overseas. I could not even track when my next period will be. Just because my phone died on me.

I felt like I was a headless chicken running around nowhere.

And why do we act this way with our relationships too? We have been used unto being attached to the comfort of having them around. What will happen when suddenly one is gone, or lost?

Should we feel like a headless chicken running around nowhere too?

We cling, and yet we only cling for the moment.

28 October Thoughts

I remember what you said; You said you’ll never leave me.

Sometimes I feel so all alone.

Lord, I know I’m just a man.

It’s been almost half a day, and this song is still on repeat.

The more it continues to play, the deeper it goes through every tissue of me.

It’s been two days since that unforgettable bus experience. Most of the time, I forget. But today, I remembered, and it’s even more real now when my thoughts go through it.

There’s so much things to say, yet I uttered none. 

The more I wanted to forget, all the more I remember.

The more I wanted to be cleansed, the more I feel filthier.

I feel so bad for being weak.

I shouldn’t have trusted the world, but myself.

It’s all real, and yet I feel fake.

This indescribable feeling may take time.

When wounds are unseen, it takes even more time to heal.

I catch myself staring blankly, looking out, looking far.

Thinking, but not thinking at all.

I should be attuned to the own beating of my heart.

That’s the only sign I get that I am still alive.

The Case of the Missing Red Velvet Cupcake

It's been more than twenty four hours, and yet, it still gives me a heartbreak everytime I remember that somebody took my red velvet cupcake. To you, this might just be a little issue and you'd just shrug it off.

Let me tell you something. I am not a selfish person by nature. But let me explain to you why I feel this way and why is there such a need to even blog about this.

On the eve of welcoming my 31st birthday, I blew candles on my cupcakes that my boyfriend gave me. I ate one of it and thought exactly how I am supposed to eat the rest of it -- red velvet will be last. As they say, save the best for last.

However, last night when I came home from the office, tired and feeling so much pain from monthly cramps, I thought a red velvet cupcake might do some magic. When I opened the box, two cupcakes were missing. The caramel flavor and the red velvet. The boyfriend said he ate the caramel. And yes. The red velvet cupcake that should have been eaten last, or eaten in emergency cases like this, was lost.

I told the boyfriend about it, but instead of agonizing with me, or even consoling me with the loss of the red velvet cupcake, he got pissed and just told me he'll buy another box of cupcakes.

But no matter how many boxes of cupcakes he buy, he can't replace my birthday cupcakes -- the first ever cupcakes he gave me, the cupcakes I blew candles on the eve of my 31st birthday, the cupcakes that opened doors to more suprises.

I am not really sefish by nature. I am just sentimental. And to me, those are not just cupcakes. Those are my 31st birthday cupcakes.

And nobody understands.

Thirty One

I am apparently still in a daze from welcoming a new lease at life. While I am writing this, I am still nursing a bad hangover, and my burp still smells of Baileys.

I keep on remembering fragments of what has happened in the last few hours, and for so many years, this has been, the first time in the longest time that I smile a genuine smile. It's actually not the kind of happiness that creates a boisterous laughter, but the kind of happiness that is igniting from within.

I clearly remember what I wrote a year ago, a few days before my birthday.

"If I'd have birthday candles to blow,

I'd wish for genuine love

That would flourish and grow."

Exactly a year later, my life is just surrounded with so much love, the kind of love that has no pretensions, the kind of love that would prod me to love myself more. There is definitely no place I'd rather be. The Universe sure gives me overflowing love.

I don't think I'd ever have birthday blues again. Families (both by blood and by heart) assured and re-assured that I am loved. James, among many people, has made monumental efforts to make me feel special too. He woke me up on the eve of my birthday to blow my birthday candles. He even surprised me with a dress from a spanish brand I really like. He made sure I'd have the most memorable birthday party ever. And he even booked us a Hong Kong trip for this weekend!

What it feels to be thirty one? I guess there's lesser drama, because people around me exude a happy vibe which is really contagious. I've also learned the value and importance of people in my life. Some have stayed because I know that the kind of relationship we've shared are honest and transparent. While some have gone away because they've only taught me lessons that would make a better me.

Here's to hoping that I'd live a life like how I've celebrated my "Boodle Fight" Birthday Party yesterday -- carefree, intimate, fearless, fun.

This is my 31-year old self prior to the commencement of the "fight."

On Dying

"Have you ever felt that feeling that you might be dying anytime soon?"
He asked.

I said yes, so many times.

I always have that feeling of maybe-I'm-about-to-die-soon most especially on moments I am at my happiest, or at my content state -- on moments when suddenly, out of so many hurdles and challenges that's been coming my way, suddenly comes a plateau.

I've had a realization, that in a way, figuratively, is true. There is really a part of us that dies, because there is a part of us that is into birthing.

When a part of us dies, a part of us is born.
Then arrives better version of us.